💌 PS 💌

Hi again. These past few months have been heavy, and I don't think I'll ever be ready enough to talk about this, but I think I should. Not for anyone, but for myself.

PS...Paraspace...cluster. 

This was where I met the people I thought I could actually get along with. We got together in so many games, even shared portions of our lives to each other and celebrated birthdays together.

But not everyone was a true friend. In fact, those I trusted the most where the first to deceive me, and the first to shower me with lies and betrayal.

And I hated myself for giving them so many chances to hurt me, to lie to me, even when I just wanted us to be proper friends. I never said any goodbyes, I just got up silently and left. But if there's anything I wanted to say, it would be this:

First off, shui.

Why did you have to lie?

Why do you keep lying?

When you blatantly denied leaking our private conversations to my ex-MU, I chose to look past it because I knew you were never going to tell the truth. Which is why I tried to tell you my side. You knew that I was venting to you, that I was acting out of anxiety and stress from the whole situation, but you chose to make him believe I was destroying him to "everyone."

We both knew I only opened up to a small amount of people about my situation. And we both know that some of you were responsible for sharing it to people I didn't even know.

You claim you're just looking out for him, that you just did what you thought was right. But girl, you never had that right. You're not some god who gets the power to judge what's right and wrong for other people. You don't get to decide who we want to be with and which friendships get to end. And honestly, from what you've done, it seemed pretty clear that you were hellbent on driving us apart from the start.

I will never understand why you wanted to drive us apart, even before we broke things off, and even when I know I was a genuine friend to you. I will never understand why you love lying like it's the only language your tongue speaks, why you love playing the victim when people leave you. Did you seriously think we wouldn't find out? That you lied about Muzu having feelings for you when he made it so clear several times that he WASN'T interested? And that between you two, YOU were the one who blocked him first because you couldn't stand him trying to distance himself from you because you kept trying to mark him as your boyfriend?

I hope you realize your actions someday, because based on the cycle of people who avoid you, and you claiming you don't know why they avoid you, it's simple: any relationship that's built on lies will never survive.

Second, the twins, Cali and Ushi.

You both have good hearts, I can tell. You look out for your friends, you choose what you tolerate, and you are kind and open to those who need it.

From the start, you both have been very welcoming to me and very supportive of me. I will forever be grateful for that. Even if I don't clearly know where I stand with you guys right now, just know that I do consider you as the few people who have been truly honest with me.

When you both chose to cut me off last month, I didn't want to fight to defend myself anymore. Although I knew that between me and Shiro, he has done way WAY worse than me, I chose to accept your decision.

From experience, I have been abandoned by people who are not related to an issue that I have with their friend, but they'd choose to side with their friend for it, regardless of the fact that both of us have rights and wrongs. At that point, I've realized that people will choose what they want to see in you. It's only a matter of whether the rights outweigh the wrongs.

There will always be a degree of bias in humans, because that's how humans behave. Rather than forcing to prove myself, I simply let go, not because I was surrendering in defeat, but because I'm confident enough in my actions that I've tried my hardest to be a good and genuine friend. And true friends would see that above all my mistakes and imperfections.

Although I've never expected it, when you two reached out to me recently, I couldn't help but feel a little more at peace. That truly, the justice I wanted was never solely to apprehend the ones in the wrong, but for people to remember and value the friendship that I have offered them. Even if I lost hope in majority of humanity, the both of you made me feel like my actions aren't all for nothing after all, especially how after Shiro told me that "everything" I do is wrong, and that I only do bad things. Of course, I didn't believe him, but it's nice to know that you both served as proof of that. That our friendship still matters, even just a little bit.

Third, Kuya Zeke.

You did some really morally questionable things the last time I saw you, but if she could forgive you, I know I could too. After all, I can understand why you did those. The anxiety that eats at you so you decide to do things your way to get what you want? Yeah, I've been through it too. But please, never do that again.

I didn't know you too much back in PS, but I'm still thankful for the times you gave me advice and listened to me, even when I seemed like a lost kid. You kept encouraging me and helping me join in and fit in the group so I wouldn't feel left out, and I really thank you for that. Though I know we might probably never interact again, just know I don't hate you nor condemn you. Take the time to heal and I hope you find the person who's truly right for you.

Fourth, the other people in the group. Perhaps everyone else that I've met in the server.

There's too many of you to mention, but I hope you all know who you are.

I see every single one of you during my events, and I truly cherish the support you've shown me, even if I can tell that some of you don't really like me and have talked badly about me behind my back. Well, that can't be helped. For now all I can say is, thanks for the good times we had, but I seriously hope you guys will find other sources of entertainment that does not revolve around gossip and destroying other people's love lives. Majority of you are adults, older than me in fact, and I can only pray that you all find your direction in life. I hope when you all have a family, and have a daughter or a younger sister who's my age, I hope someday you'll protect them more from people who are out to hurt them. I will never know nor understand why you think spreading shit about my illnesses was amusing to you but when your own children go through the same thing, I sincerely hope that you'll treat them way better than how you treated me.

Last and definitely the least, Shiro. 

From someone who saw the good in me to someone who only sees the bad in me.

I'll never know whether you were genuine to me back when we were "friends" but I hope you know that I was. I meant everything I said. I loved you. I hate you. You're the cutest and quirkiest guy I've ever met and you're also the most obnoxious, selfish, and heartless coward I know. I could never tell your truths from your lies, but that's not my problem anymore. I hope that, before you break someone else's heart, or find someone who breaks yours, that you seriously need to get help. Just because some people tolerate your actions and your abuse doesn't mean you're in the right. And just because people have hurt you before doesn't give you a right to hurt them back.

Stop making everything about you. The whole world doesn't revolve around how you see me. Stop acting like a god, you never were one. No one is beneath you, not even me. I hope you and I never cross paths again.