Love, fear, and marriage. — 2025.09.05

Note;

Obsessive and ‘somewhat’ toxic behavior ahead.

A cluster of overwhelming thoughts ran rampant inside his head, almost making him want to cry. Unlike many of the past days, tonight he was not mourning any misfortune, any loss— At first sight, it truly didn't seem like he had any reason to feel upset, yet still he laid curled up in his bed while holding a pillow close. For the entirety of the day he had been agonizingly anxious, the reason almost humiliating in a way.

He could vaguely hear the muffled noise of his phone buzzing nearby, though at the same time, it was like his brain couldn't completely process it. Eyes wide open and staring straight at the wall without any real intent, Shinji was deep in thought— had been for about a couple of hours now, as distracted as one could possibly be. It hadn't been sadness nor anger, but rather an unpleasant mixture of fear and unease; uncertainty directed towards a choice he convinced himself had to be made.

Warmth bloomed within his heart and a deep blush covered his cheeks just from entertaining the thought a little more, however, a wavering scowl still made its way onto his lips. Even with the flustered expression, notable apprehension remained. A nauseating amalgamation of love and dread was slowly crushing him and there was nothing he could do at the moment, because he was a coward— Because he was weak. A pathetic excuse of a man.

Beads of sweat rolled down his forehead the more nervousness grew, and he constantly switched from holding the pillow closer to squirming around and huffing to himself. In the end, he rolls over to lay on his back and places his hands over his chest- Although he tries to stay still, soon enough he's squirming again and covering his heated face with both hands. To think he, a grown man, was reacting in such way to something so simple.

A muffled groan—Or perhaps whimper—Left his lips as he kept on belittling himself for his dilemma, tossing and turning and messing up the neat arrangement of pillows and blankets in favor of calming himself down. Of course, his attempts render useless as he instead grows more agitated by his pondering, to the point he grew close to tears. It was all so deeply dizzying, devastatingly overwhelming, and for what exactly? Even when the odds were mostly on his side, he couldn't help but feel afraid.

A few months back, he already had been thinking about this specifically. Marriage— ... He was already married, yes, but that was different! Immensely so! The circumstances were nowhere like they had been back then, and that was precisely what made him nervous.

... One of the things that made him nervous, anyway.

There was also the debilitating fear of rejection, of course. Shinji tilts his head to the side and stares at his phone, frowning as he reaches for it, simply keeping it in his grasp for a while as a sad little sigh slipped past his lips. Upon unlocking it, he immediately taps on the contacts app and taps on his girlfriend’s, with a heart that all of a sudden feels heavy.

Was it because of love, or maybe dread? Perhaps a combination of both, Shinji couldn’t really tell. Alas, it would make sense given the nature of his thoughts. His heart was in a constant state of stress, kept on the tight leash of an infatuation that only knew how to pull at his heartstrings. And the worst of it all, he didn’t particularly dislike it, either.

 
The man could feel himself blush deeper in embarrassment, subconsciously biting his lip— god, he was an idiot, a freak. . .  It’s not like he could help it, though. He was so deeply and sincerely in love it actually messed with him, made his pulse race every time his eyes were greeted with her presence—or a mere photograph, at that— as though he was a stupid teenager once again, with his hormones and emotions all over the place. It made his breath cut short and his knees weak, leaving him a wobbling, stuttering mess.

Oh, how he loved that woman, loved to the point of feeling sick. What wouldn’t he do for her? He felt tingly, his skin itched. His expression slowly softened, a lovesick smile growing on his lips. For someone who feared compromise, he sure did like the thought of marrying her. Waking up and seeing her in the mornings, holding her close, to shower her in gifts and make sure she knew just how much he cherished their love. Perhaps it was a bit stupid of him to wish for a romance like that, especially knowing how he sometimes behaves in aloof and erratic ways.

Getting married to the woman he loved, a beautiful dream he often fantasizes with. . . A beautiful dream he once had with someone else. That’s in the past now, though. 

Shinji knows she deserves way better than someone as lame as him, and he fears one day she’ll realize that too, for his selfish hands don’t want to let go. He had already let go once, the same mistakes would not be made twice.
Or at least that’s what he told himself, still he was undeniably terrified about having to man up and making the move. Those same mistakes he had sworn to not repeat would be made again, and he’d be left to curse his cowardice one more time— But just how would he not be a coward? He had asked about engagement before after all, and the answer hadn’t been as clear as he wished.

A “maybe” opens the door to a lot of possibilities, many of which were not positive, and of course his pessimistic brain decides to focus on those. As much as it could mean yes, it could also mean no. And what exactly would he do if he got rejected? He couldn’t even begin to think about the humiliation, the heartbreak he’d feel at being turned down after putting his heart on a platter. He’d be devastated, in lack of a more fitting word.

Of course, if she didn’t want to get married, he couldn’t do anything about it except for accepting the circumstances and breaking up— He wasn’t looking for a short-term relationship with her, wasn’t looking for anything that didn’t end in making her his wife. Shinji sits up, his hands tightly gripping at the sheets. She was so beautiful and smart, and he was… His head drops to the side with a huff, hand raising to gently palm at the spot his heart sat. He could feel his erratic pulse skipping a few beats, the earlier smile on his face gone and replaced by a somewhat somber look. Flawed, that’s what he was. 

Would she accept him, if he asks for her hand in marriage? He certainly hoped so, though his worries were far greater than he’d like to admit. Maybe she’d say yes, and they’d get engaged… Or maybe she’d say no, and they’d be forced to part— the better outcome was clear. Shinji could barely bear to even think of breaking up, and far from it being only because of how infatuated he was, it was also because of how… Disgustingly outraging the prospect of having anyone merely glance her way with romantic intent was. Maddening, infuriating! Unacceptable! It had his blood boiling just thinking of it.

The attorney scoffed, muttering a string of curses under his breath and scratching at his neck in aggravation. He should probably stop thinking so much about that specific topic, it’d only make him feel more annoyed and he’d end up mad at her for no reason. Now, it didn’t particularly make sense for someone to be mad at their partner for something they couldn’t control, but damn did it infuriate him nonetheless. His body twitches in annoyance, and he scoffs once more.

He has this slight tendency to get mad at his own thoughts and things that haven’t even happened— Which only proves his earlier point. He’s a lame, selfish and possessive idiot, and she deserves way better. Then again, as mentioned, he is selfish, and he doesn’t plan on letting go even if he’s truly the worst of them all. He’d first be dead; what’s his is his, and no one else’s.

Shinji’s neurotic brooding came to an abrupt stop as he instead focused on another point, engagement rings. What gemstones did she like the most? Would she like a ring? A necklace? A bracelet, maybe? He’d blow a fortune in order to buy her the most gorgeous, beautiful and radiant pieces of jewelry ever seen. 

Promptly, he had gone from petulant to beaming again— He was back to blushing and squirming in place like an idiot, twirling his hair like some love-struck teenage girl. Who was he kidding. She deserved better? Please, he was the best, who else if not him? No one could ever treat her as good as he can, but it’s not like he would let them try, anyway. Falling back onto the mattress, his eyes stare at the ceiling as he smiles, eyes half-lidded in exhaustion and a sense of pride. He was truly exhausted, he should be sleeping, yet he was lost in his fantasies. 

Slowly, his eyes fluttered shut and he turned to lay on his side, returning to hugging a pillow close. Tomorrow, he mused. Tomorrow he’ll gain the courage to make the move, and soon after he’ll propose. Everything would go well.