Rant of a situationship i was in (Maybe a vent? idk)

Just wanted to yapp bout smth that happened to me a while ago, TW self I-I 4RM, depression (ig), and possibly triggering topics(?)

A few years back, i was in a really horrible and bad situation/mindset. I had lost my home since we had to move, i lost all my friends in the process, watching how we drifted apart, and this all happened because my dad got deported. 

I was really depressed and was going thru HEAVY derealization + depersonalization/ or autopilot (thats how i personally refer to it). i ended up feeling really alone, and out of loneliness i joined games where you would communicate or talk with other ppl.

I ended up meeting this other person who i ended up bonding and forming a close relationship with. 

They were the same age as i was, and we bonded over the things that were occurring in our lives. 

They helped me through stuff and helped me with the courage to find out who i was. 

We both were really vulnerable, and relied on eachother alot. 

I would vent to him and he would vent to me. 

Well, i found myself attached and really enamored by him. 

We didnt really know how to define our relationship, it was like we were best friends but at the same time in a relationship.

It was a really weird situation, but we decided to keep the name of our relationship undefined, until we both were older.

we were at the point of our friendship where we would talk everyday, minute and hour. 

They would talk about certain things in their life and i felt as if i needed to do something, and most of the time i ended up giving them a logical answer + comfort they needed

Because of the amount of times this occurs, there were breaks in our friendship.

i found myself running away or overwhelmed about some stuff he would talk about. there were times where i would tell him i needed a small break but other times i didnt.

It was a horrible habit but it was smth that was hard to break. I think its has something to do with abandonment issues i have or me feeling overwhelmed. (i dont quite remember its been a while)

At one point i expressed how i felt a little overwhelmed about their emotions, and they said they wouldn’t mention it to a certain extent. (this sounds trashy but i wanted to know how they were doing and not get too overwhelmed)

after i had taken breaks and i talked to him. they would mention how they wanted to “not be so nice to themselves”.

This would repeat alot. this was mostly because we made eachother accustomed to this behavior thru venting. (not healthy ik, but i was younger and very stupid.)

But entering school, I ended up doing better mentally i felt a little less depressed and i still truly cared for him, but i realized how bad we were towards eachother. 

I felt like i needed to be there for him and deal with his problems, (when in reality me being there was all i needed to do).  But at the same time i woukd feel like he threatened to hurt themselves if something occurred or if i didnt answer due to school or smth. 

 In short, we fell thru. i loved him cared for him but i think its for the better. I was hoping we could work it out but i feel like things would just repeat over and over again. Im sure he knew that too, we were both eachothers bad habits. 

I still think of him. 

 the reason we treated eachother the way we did was because of our issues and problems we went thru early in our lives.

The over reliance, the attachment, the fear of losing one another, abandonment issues we both cared, and the lack of love we had in our lives. 

I felt so heartbroken

I miss him so much but at the same time this was for the better i wish him well. i hope his homelife is better, hope hes truly living. 

I acknowledge that i could’ve been better, a better friend/person.  He helped me sort my life and situation out. 

helped me b more happy with myself, and reconnect with the joy i can feel by living.

Thank you for that E. , youll always be a part of my life. 

And im sorry for being the horrible person i was to you.

i hope your friends and family treasure you. 

(he broke it off 6+ months ago, we met 3 or more years ago)