I Wish I Were More Masculine (Vent)

Is spacehey even a good place to vent??? 😭😭😭 LOL

*I have no intent to be transphobic, homophobic, sexist, etc., in this blog im just trying to vent my scenario in the unfortunate society I live in, if any thing appears as anything mentioned above I'm sorry. So TLDR; TRIGGER WARNING I guess.

Alr so basically the title. To give a little bit of background, I'm currently on my last year of high school, I am a male student and I've never really fit in, and I believe the main cause of this is my appearance. My appearance has been the same so long, I'm short, have long hair, has never grown out a beard/moustache/or stubble, I have a small frame, and I'm skinny. Don't get me wrong, in elementary/middle school I would've considered myself to be "popular," but I guess not because mostly everyone just stopped talking to me in high school. I had relatively short hair up until mid freshmen year of high school; however, I always didn't mind long hair.

Anyways so I start letting my hair grow out in high school, mainly because I didn't think any short hairstyles looked good on me, leading myself to just neglect getting a haircut because I didn't want to get a bad hairstyle. So yeah, I let my hair get to like medium length and I've pretty much accepted that ppl from my middle school don't rlly hang with me. Then I start overhearing ppl calling me trans, gay, a girl, blah blah (I had a relatively high pitch voice in grade 9). I didn't really mind it, until later during second semester of freshmen year.

Some guy in my gym class started like openly bullying me about my "feminine" appearance, and I tried to ignore him at first, but then you gotta realize im basically all alone and I've never been bullied bc of my appearance EVER before. This continued for a few months, and he'd say stuff like "gay," "are you transgender?," "i didn't know there was a girl in this class (we were in the male gym class)," "were losing to a girl," and the occasional f-slur here and there.

Y'know normally I would say this isn't really that bad, but everyday since I would start noticing how all the other guys in my class looked masculine and were def more attractive than I could ever be. They all were easily identifiable as a guy and I question if ppl even see me as a guy before meeting me. It doesn't help that i'm really skinny either, and it disgusts me; I wish I was average weight at least. I hate how it's super hard for me to get muscular and work out cuz their is literally no fat or anything to build off of. And given my current situation, it feels so difficult to even gain wait to try to look more masculine. No one can take me seriously bc of my height either (I just wanna be average height 😭). I've been stuck at this short height forever, just cursed, and the whole world is against me cuz now my younger brother is a little bit taller than, so pathetic. Anyhow, I wouldn't even consider myself attractive (at least for a man anyways), and taking all my qualities together I just look feminine, like a girl, or a twink (ig?? I've seen plenty of 'masculine' looking guys online [who say they feel more fem] say they would like a ''petite' appear/body like mine); given the environment i'm living in, I can't really just accept my appearance as a 'twink,' I wish I could but i prob would be bullied to death.

It's gotten even worse over these years. I don't think my long hair is helping, but again, I don't want to cut it bc I think I would look ugly in any short hairstyle and im pathetically allergic to change huh. I went to go try and apply for a job and the lady working their said "just finish up (talking to co-worker), and we'll get right to this young lady over here." [This has happened more than once btw] Ugh I hate it all, why did they have to say it so loud so I could hear, and I hate that I look so fem as a male that ppl misgender me 😭. Btw, I ended up telling on the guy who was bullying me in freshmen year and yeah he stopped, so I had peace for a bit, but as you can see the damage has already been done; it starts coming back 1/2 year later from different ppl. Now I can't unsee, unhear, not think about it. Some mean guy starts making fun of me everytime he sees me, "are you a man (this is in the boys washroom 🙄)" "That's a man btw." Never felt so hurt in my life before, i guess I should "man up" and stop crying. It continues and continues, I notice some ppl give me odd looks, chatter when I pass by "(stuff like) shemale, i thought that was a girl hah," or laughter. I feel eyes always looking at me. Should I feel better that my voice is much deeper now? IDK, i feel like ppl get surprised when they hear my deeper voice bc they expected a woman, and then they just get weirded out. That's basically why I wish I was more masculine looking, everyone just knows me as that weird guy who looks like a girl. I cant go around in public without thinking if my posture, walking, sitting, anything I do, is to feminine or not masculine enough, my confidence is ruined. Gosh, I feel like those chud life memes or whatever they're called LOL 😭😭😭. And I've always had a hope from the beginning; that when im an adult i will be pretty masculine; i think I lost that hope...

I wrote too much, idk if anyone will even read to the end. Ig all im really asking is if anyone can relate or sympathize??? (😭) Who am I kidding. it sucks that all the guys at my school are mean.