when i say i dont believe in god

i dont mean it to say i dont think he's real. i remember being a kid at my grandparents house praying to an empty altar. i remember being 13 and cursing god, spitting his name out like blood, rejecting the most real thing id known. i remember being told to need him and choosing to abandon him. i remember finding him over and over and over again. and here i sit, still anxious at the thought of him. what if he doesnt approve? when i say i dont believe in god i mean to say i cant believe in god because i know he's there.