song lyrics that have altered my brain chemistry and the reason why! (Pt 1)

This blog is about some song lyrics that I love and the personal reason behind it! This is Pt 1!!

(TW for mention of mental health issues)

“Everybody’s dying just to get the disease.” 

Pictures Of Me - Elliott Smith

I was deep in my depression when I discovered Elliott Smith (circa 2021) and this was one of the most significant songs that stood out to me at the time. I had an ed and sh habits that were so severe that I couldn’t think of anything else. And the thing was, I didn’t want to get better. I wanted to get worse, as bad as possible. Because maybe, just maybe finally my struggle would be taken seriously and not as just some teenage mood swing. I wanted to give my pain physicality, to reflect it somewhere so that it could be objective, that everyone would be able to tell that I was in pain. It was a way of proving that it was in fact as deep as I felt it. I knew it was self destructive behaviour but that was just what I wanted, to destroy myself. So I’ve always interpreted this lyric as that, doing whatever I can to get as bad as possible, ruining myself in the process just to end up miserable. 

“Make sure to kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face.”

Twin Size Mattress - The Front Bottoms

THIS. has been on my mind ever since I’ve heard it. Because I am the type of person that gets too attached too easily, and physically struggles with cutting people out of my life unless they’ve murdered my entire family or some shit. I am filled with so much hope towards people and willing to justify any action if it has a close-to-valid explanation. I cling onto who someone used to be. You might’ve hurt me, but at least you had the finesse in you to do a gesture that had the tiniest bit of affection along with it. And that’s enough for me to cling to.

“And I know none of this will matter in the long run. But I know a sound is still a sound around no one.” 

I Want You To Love Me - Fiona Apple

Ah, back to the good old question that is, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”. Well, my personal answer to that is YES. Yes, it definitely does. Something does matter even if no one is around to witness it. It doesn’t change the validity of that experience. My original interpretation of this was again, about my personal struggles. I’ve been suffering, though no one sees or knows about it. And that doesn’t affect the fact that I’m still suffering. No one has to interact with or acknowledge it for it to become real. Now that I think about this more, I can even apply this to other things, like great art. An art piece could be brilliant, but could be getting little to no recognition in its time. As an example, Franz Kafka’s books, or Van Gogh's paintings. Neither of the artists got the credit nor the recognition they deserved in their lifetime, but still, they were brilliant artists. And their creations were more valuable than they could’ve ever imagined. Even if no one was there to acknowledge it at the time, they still did what they loved, they created. And that’s what really matters.

“Crack baby, you don’t know what you want. But you know that you had it once and you know that you want it back.”

Crack Baby -  Mitski

I feel like this might need some elaboration so, let me walk you through it. A “crack baby” is an infant whose birthgiver has used crack c*ke while pregnant, exposing the fetus to it. This results in the baby having withdrawal symptoms. So as they grow up, they keep chasing that feeling, that high they once got to experience so early in life, leading them to never knowing what they truly want therefore, never having it. Of course I’m not the one to relate to this in the literal way but I can always interpret it :) For me, it was the happiness that I lost so early into my life. I was diagnosed with depression at the ripe age of 9, showing the symptoms for as long as I’ve known. Not knowing what went wrong along the way, I was left searching for it in bad habits and coping mechanisms. To no one’s surprise, they didn’t work. They made me feel things, of course. Maybe the thrill of it was the closest I’ve ever gotten to happiness but it was not it. I still am, to this day, searching for it. Fortunately, I’ve been trying to change my ways but still the search proceeds. 

“I’m gonna tear out the thread one by one from your skin ‘till your bones feel embarrassed from all the attention.”

I Don’t Care If You’re Contagious - Pierce The Veil

This is one of those lyrics where I wish I had written it. Because the whole song itself holds so many emotions that are purely raw, though I like this lyric the best. It’s even more deep than “I don’t care if you’re sick, I don’t care if you’re contagious. I would kiss you even if you were dead.” Because this time, it’s not just a simple act of kissing, it is so carefully removing the threads, that it’s overwhelming. It almost feels like an act of worship. It’s saying “I don’t care about your insecurities” to the point where he is willing to care for them with everything he’s got. 

Let me know if you want Pt 2!!! I would love to make some more<3