Depersonalisierung

English is not my native language, I am more closed with Latin.

I believe we are always growing, aging and changing. We don't stay fixed, since my adulthood arrived I trend to look for environments where everything remain the same and a established routine.

I had the misfortune of growing up in a dysfunctional family, where there was no timetable for anything or limits, I always felt lost and without a sense of authority and unable to establish routines. I felt disoriented in the world, it was as if I were someone lost when I was 11 years old when I went back to live with my mother.

When I was 1 to 7 years old, I always lived with my grandmother. A very sweet woman (who to this day I still have many loving feelings for.) taught me several important things and gave me a brief fixed vision of the world. But then, I went to live with my family in the big city (I lived in a remote place with my grandmother. I was a very countryside dude.) things changed in a very sudden way for a young mind, I had to get used to the hustle and bustle of the big city which was now a new environment for me. 

Since I didn't have much social contact during my childhood, socialization in elementary school was a really difficult subject to the little me. But I was able to adapt well and managed to overcome the phase of being bullied for being too quiet. On the other hand, I started talking more and opening up to the new world in front of me. I was growing up, finally meeting people and creating relationships, finally feeling like I belonged.

But then, my parents' separation occurred.

It was like having to dismantle a tower of stones, removing stone by stone until the tower fell completely. I had the misfortune of having to deal with my younger sisters in this situation, which they were too young to understand and as the older brother, I had to protect them from this horrific reality.

Which makes me wonder, why do parents do this to their children? My parents never got along that well, I always saw how different they were from each other growing up. Maybe because they met when they were young, immature and it was all just an adventure, but then they had an unwanted child (who is me.) who took away all the freedom of youth. But then I ask them, is this even my fault? I didn't ask to be born, I have nothing to pay for something I never even asked for.

The weather was turbulent but I had to maintain a calm image so that at least my sisters would feel safe with me, because they couldn't cry with their parents. Two broken adults, who had a family under pressure from their parents and who now, with the changing times, would finally separate. But it won't be them who suffer, but rather the family they had. A lie, based entirely on lies. It was never my fault, or my sisters'. It was theirs, for making us believe we were a real family.

Today, I still think of my father and mother as my parents. Because as much as I despise them, they were still the ones who watched me grow up in my childhood and adolescence. So maybe I still love them, I just try to forget about these feelings 

Now I feel like I'm just watching a poor man's life