keep turning up, however we can 💜

i managed to play some guitar for a short while yesterday and break my procrastination cycle a little! :D i found it a little easier to start after telling my brain that it would feel amazing to do it and that my bad habits of doomscrolling/bedrotting/consuming content would feel really awful (it sounds so logical and simple but unless i'm thinking of it consistently my brain will act the other way and it wasn't as obvious as it sounds to me!). although while playing it my perfectionism/self-hatred came out a little every time i would make a mistake almost pulling me away from it. i managed to keep playing for a good while intuituvely focusing on my progress as much as i could in response to my internal self-judgement. to work on learning to hold them back more, i plan to imagine all the guitarists i admire in the music club in college making the same mistakes and choosing curiosity over shame each time i inevitably fuck up, hopefully that helps and helps me keep afloat and playing a bit easier next time and stops an quells the mental battle a little every time i play. i planned after to express myself but my tiredness prevented me from doing so. sleep is likely the next thing i need to give myself a shot at getting more then 1 of my 3 goals done per day (it seems so obvious when i write it like this lol). I also had a moment on my bus ride home the other day where I let my mind unleash it's creativity and let it really sprial emotionally as the blue hour washed over me and this town and wrote down some stuff i'm really happy with, so i think tmrw i'll try and write some of it here and make some sense of it for the first time and do it despite my fear of being judgement, failure and my lack of self-belief.

i feel a lot like shinji ikari i can relate to him in a lot of ways like the guitar is my version of the eva lol, mabye life isn't about 'overcoming' these issues and saying goodbye to them nessisarily but rather choosing to turn up to life everyday despite them and doin what you can do achieve that to be happy and get over the line.

I also really want to disclose something here which may help me come to terms with it more emotionally/find ppl who can also relate to this desire. it has something to do with my own death but i'm not sure i can express that here with spacehey's tos. i'll decide if i can after another read of them and another think about it too

even though this is a way for me to reflect and get comfortable eith expressing myself, i do hope that some of you (if there is any of you! :p) are enjoying this or learning from it in some capacity :D it's ok if you find this boring/pointless either i'm sure some ppl would feel that way about this too

waterkill (demo) - red house painters