What happens when a writer runs out of words? Does the page get stained with invisible messages waiting to be decoded by the damned and the unseen?

I am a big fan of Fall Out Boy. I will save the comments and stop myself from saying I the #1 Fall Out Boy fan because I know I’m not. I struggle with feeling like a real fan because I only started listening to them back in January; but that’s a whole topic for another blog.

I tend to live in the past and enjoy my past experiences especially if my current ones are not going how I want them to go, or if I am being put in a situation I don’t like: school. School just started and it is triggering my anxiety which triggers my OCD which does not pair well with my ADHD autopilot. 

There is this song called G.I.N.A.S.F.S. by Fall Out Boy. The title stands for Gay Is Not A Synonym For Shitty, which really changed my views on how I see things in life. I have struggled with self identity and figuring out my sexuality throughout the past couple of years and I thought I had friends who supported me well. 

I was wrong. 

In January, I asked one of my good friends to make a playlist of good Fall Out Boy songs because I wanted to branch out more and they had already recommended some Pierce The Veil songs that I really liked, so why not? They sent me the playlist and I listened to it almost non-stop and realized I liked a lot of songs from “the blue album”. I went to the album and learned it was Infinity on High and fell in love with it. I loved the theme of it, the way the music sounded, and how different it was from what I knew Fall Out Boy sounded like after only knowing post-hiatus songs. Everyday during my second hour, I would be constantly bored because it was my business class that was slowly disinteresting me from going into the business field when I’m older. I would always look up song lyrics because I wanted to fully understand a song I was listening to. I remember specifically looking up Hum Hallelujah lyrics on Genius and analyzing each lyrics with their annotations. I really admire Pete’s strength and lyricism. Eventually, another song caught my eye: G.I.N.A.S.F.S.

I remember the day pretty well when I found out the meaning of the title and song. I was in business class and I was shocked to see that G.I.N.A.S.F.S. stood for Gay Is Not A Synonym For Shitty. It changed my viewpoint on a lot of things. It pointed out how many times my “friends” constantly called minor inconveniences “gay” and how homophobic they actually were. I was walking to my science class room with one of my now ex friends and I was excited to tell her what i had just found out about the song and as we were walking out of the blue, “Viper, you’re a f@g-“ and she claims she cut herself off, but that word was finished. I laughed it off since I didn’t know what else to do and just repeated to her that gay is not a synonym for shitty.

But this isn’t a sob story. I have a point, I promise.

I got tickets to a festival that headlined Fall Out Boy and as the date got closer and closer I got more and more worried, wondering if they were going to play my song or not. I held back tears throughout the whole festival, the anticipation building up. After they had finished their SMFSD songs and Pete started talking to the magic eight ball, I handed my phone to my sisters coworker to catch my reaction if they played it or not; either way I was crying. 

When I heard the intro to G.I.N.A.S.F.S., I was flashed through with relief that felt like a thousand floods coming at my body. I jumped up, squealed, turned to the camera and back to the stage, and started crying. crying out of relief, happiness, pettiness, and exhaustion. After the song, I was crying so hard that the people in front of me turned around and asked if i was okay. I reassured them. Later when i told my sister that happened, she said it was embarrassing but I didn’t care. I heard my favorite band live and they played my favorite song. I posted on both my Instagram and TikTok story about the song being played and would not shut up about it to my friends. 

Now hear’s the point to this blog. I go back and watch my story archives all the time, Instagram AND TikTok. I always get to that video I posted about it and I always put something on my TikTok note about the song. I wish there was more to say, but there isn’t. I love G.I.N.A.S.F.S. That I can’t put it into words. It’s a lyric less melody that runs around in my mind all day, scouring every crook and crevice of my brain, searching for reason to be stuck there. But it can’t. I wish this song gave me more to write about and not just the story leading up to it. 

XO, Viperiizee