i don’t think i can keep going with my life (major tw)

i know this is pathetic. posting on a fucking blog talking about your sad life story, but i dont know what else to do. i can’t talk to my friends, my therapist said to go to a crisis center but i would have to tell my parents whats going on in order to do that. i don’t want to do that.

i got diagnosed with major depression back in march or february (i can’t remember) and got put on antidepressants. i recently stopped talking them because whatever horrible thing i have done to someone in this life or the last, is the reason i was diagnosed with depression, and taking antidepressants is so selfish of me. i have to deal with whatever i did. also, overall i’m a bad person. i was your average mean girl in the 5th grade. i never bullied someone into having a meeting in the office or getting my parents called but i was a bully. i hate myself for it. another thing, i feel like i’m holding my friends and family back from someone better. i know my friends like me but i love them. i dont know what i’d do without them. but i need to get that figured out because i need to let them go because i’m definitely holding them back. 

no matter what i feel like i’m invisible. i’m not bullied i’m just…not there. i wear flashy clothes (i’m a emo girl) but i’m still invisible. you could see me from a mile away, but i’m not truly there. 

i truly hate myself as well. i take up space. i don’t deserve a space. i hate myself as well looks, my body, my personality, everything about me. i’d give anything to not be me. to have purpose. 

for my final mini paragraph i’m quoting oliva penpraze’s note because it is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. rip angel 🕊️

i dont know how much long i can stay here on this earth. i’ve lost all touch with everything and nothing seems to work. and i know i’ll never be the person we both want me to be.

i don’t deserve to be alove