random thoughts ‘bout my sexuality

Lowkey wondering if everything has come full circle and I’m actually a lesbian like I originally thought when I was ten… I still struggle with my sexuality at my old age of nineteen. Still struggle with comphet. Like, I want to be straight… I want to fall in love with a man… But at the end of the day… Women.

God, I love women. So many things about them are what men lack… Honestly I do find myself objectifying them. Their bodies… So beautiful. I like men’s energy but I just like women. I still find many fictional men attractive but so do a lot of lesbians. I’ve identified as aromantic asexual for yearrssss though so idk if I can really see myself in a relationship with anyone ATP… I feel platonic attraction and I look at people I love like “god I want to spend the rest of my life with you… Never want to let you go!” 

I believe I was first attracted to women in my fantasies before I was attracted to men… Starting way back when I was a little kid. It felt strange to involve giant boys in my fantasies… It took me a really long time to get used to them and once I did, I switched to liking them solely… But now I find myself back to the ladies. I will not elaborate on this…

So here’s how my comphet (compulsive heterosexuality) sorta works… I see something involving a man and a woman that I like and I’m like, “god, I want that so badly.” I want to be in the woman’s shoes… I want to be attracted to men so badly. It’s what’s “the norm,” it is “what’s right…” But the only thing that gets me actually going is fantasies of women.

Idk. I don’t feel the urge to come out of the closet. I don’t feel connected to any label really except for the aroace label I’ve mentioned… “Bi-oriented aroace” suits me best. I still am attracted to dudes… But my body and my mind favors women WAY MORE. I like women. Maybe my thing for them goes beyond just sexuality. I like how they tend to act. They usually don’t judge me for my appearance the way a man would (‘prolly cuz they’re not attracted to me but shh). They really are funny. I feel connected to them. Insecure boys joke about women not being funny but that just makes me love them more, because they are!!!!

Sometimes I just want to bury this sapphic side of me, throw it away. I want to live a traditional lifestyle. Maybe get married to a guy. But what if he doesn’t “understand” gay people. Then I gotta hide the fact that I’m not entirely straight, take my secret to the grave…

That scenario is very unlikely as no one would marry me x’D And I mean I would marry someone who is understanding. Ideally I gotta wed someone who is an ally or in the LGBTQ+ community themselves.

Like last fall I dated a guy for several days who I had met at my high school. He identified as pansexual. I was able to tell him EVERYTHING about myself, the parts I only share to my closest friends and he GOT ME. He was into the same weird things I was into! We fawned over Genshin Impact characters together xp and fan art. Literally never thought I’d meet someone too much like me in Kentucky. Then of course we broke it off but ahhhh

Bro I gotta get a date like him again. Dude told me about hot guys he liked and I told him hot girls I liked. I liked him, too - I liked his personality. I wonder if I’m demiromantic/demisexual, which falls under the aspec spectrum.

But um yeah I shared too much xP Silly me! Smell you all later!