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First of all, I'd like to apologize if the English is wrong. I had to translate using Google Translate (and we know it's not the best)
I've been dating her for five months, and even now, I still question whether I'm a good boyfriend because of the choices I make in our relationship. Anyway, I've known her since last year. When I first met her, I hated her for "stealing attention" from my ex-friend. But after a while, I realized the real problem was that ex-friend, who desperately wanted her attention.
We became so close that we ended up kissing last year, even though we were both in relationships with other people at the time (the kiss was an accident). Sometimes, I felt very strongly for her, but it would disappear after a few days, usually when we fought (or because I felt guilty about already being in a relationship with someone else). But my feelings for her continued to come and go. So, at the beginning of this year, I ended my previous relationship and tried to win her over. Every day, I went to her house to stay with her, drop her off at school, and pick her up from school.
On April 1st, she wrote in her diary that she was still confused about her romantic feelings for me and a guy from our class. I ended up reading it and felt so bad that I didn’t even want to talk to her at school, and all I saw was her crying. But I felt guilty for leaving her like that, so we decided to forgive each other and stay together, even though that situation kept haunting me throughout our entire relationship. (By the way, she has already said that she no longer has feelings for the guy, and that she only "liked" him because she felt lonely and wanted to like or feel something for someone. At the time, she didn’t know I had feelings for her until I told her how I felt, and she started developing strong feelings for me even before I said anything.)
She lost friendships because of me, barely spoke to me before, and her friends started getting close to her (like "clinging" to her). And since I was traumatized, she ended up losing everything and staying with me. Today, things are much better. I trust her more, and she trusts me. We get along well, and now we have great friends who support us and spend time together.
But I have some personal preferences in relationships. She's very physically affectionate, and I'm not. So, for me, it's hard to cuddle too much, with lots of kisses, cuddles, and hugs. I love her very much, but I've told her many times that I'm not like that, and she gets upset with me and seems sad. I end up letting her do whatever she wants to me physically.
Also, she always says I don't notice anything about her, but it's very difficult for me because of my ADHD. Sometimes she asks me what I did wrong and expects me to guess just because the reason is something small or silly.
She's complained that I haven't kissed her for days, but I honestly didn't notice.
Anyway, that's it. I really love her, but I want to know if I'm wrong about this and what I should change in our relationship.
Comments
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Wilson12
You're a goofy goober!!!!!
lily
i get what ur feeling and it's good that u care about her enough to overthink and ask for real advices and also good that despite u not liking physical attention u still did some for herbut if she gets sad if u don't doesn't mean she's spoild or anything she just wants to feel loved yk and that's something u mentioned but don't also forget the fact that she lost her friends because of you that means she only has u and maybe the new ones but still , also i don't get the part of the diary like did u read it without her permission ? cause u weren't her bf yet and that's also invading her privacy
( im trying to help sorry if i sound rude im not i swear )
cola <3
completely unrelated and unhelpful but "even lighter orange" in the html code is taking me tf out
Jaxson
I’m sorry that that is happening man I get it though… but bro you gonna set boundaries in a relationship and you should probably talk to her, cause nothing changes if nothing is said, also your not a bad boyfriend!
Max
I think that just the fact that you took the time to think about it and make this post shows how much you care about her.
I think that talking and understanding each other is really important in a relationship, so I suggest you have a conversation with her telling her why you act the way you do and that doesn't mean you love her any less. Sadly sometimes people are just not compatible so if the way you act hurts her (even if it's not on purpose) it will be her choice whether to stay or to leave.
Jackiy
Before I start, I'm going to let you know now that my way of speaking sometimes comes off as harsh or even rude. It's not intentional but I am blunt and I don't care for beating around the bush.
First things first - BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries are extremely important when it comes to any sort of relationship or situation. First, you had no business reading her diary if she did not give her permission. Just like you never go thru' somebody's bags or purse or fridge. Seriously. But you did nd then proceeded to be upset with her over something she was clearly confused about (even tho' it's resolved now) nd ignored her because you didn't like what you read. I understand completely if you were just upset but if you were trying to punish her, that's messed up. It's fine if you needed space to process your feelings but you should have made that clear if that was the case.
Second, there is nothing wrong with not being clingy or even all that touchy/feely because I'm not either. I get that it's upsetting to her nd how she might look at it as a personal attack on her but she should respect the fact that you're just not an overly affectionate person. If she's feeling that she has to have constant validation or so much attention then she might be feeling some type a way. The two of you need to sit down nd talk about this nd let each other know exactly how the two of you feel about being affectionate. Most women love being held or cuddled by their signifanct other nd enjoy/crave that closeness. In this case, both of you need to compromise. You may not notice or feel that it's a big deal but she does, in which case, you should try to just randomly show her affection at times so she doesn't always feel the need to seek it from you when you don't feel like being cuddled. Give her a random heartfelt compliment every now nd then rather she's changed anything about her appearance or style or anything. Even if she's looking a hot mess, tell her you love her nd that you find her beautiful. Which, in turn, she should also remember that you don't always need or want such closeness. If she starts feeling secure, she'll probably not be as clingy.
I'm not going to get in the whole marriage proposal thing because... yeah. However, relationships take work, obviously. Trust is a big factor. You said that your relationship started rocky nd you disliked her when you first met. Honestly, to me, all of this seems rushed. Your relationship, engagement - nd the fact that the both of you were in relationships before you got together? It sounds like a whole mess. Also, it's like the two of you both sound confused. You said that you'd feel for her than the feelings would fade because of an argument or something? I understand trauma. I understand having trauma. But where is it okay for her to ruin her friendships because you have trauma nd not enough trust? That is not okay. Why couldn't she keep those relationships ND be there for you? Why must people always make it one or the other. That's just sad nd a bit immature. What did you lose? If anything or anyone? If you feel you can't trust someone than you shouldn't be together. If you feel that the only way to build trust is by tossing away everyone nd everything than you shouldn't be together. Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to or should throw away your whole life. If you make your life solely on one person, it won't be a very good relationship. Things like that tend to turn into resentment.
In the end, if you're asking yourself if something you're doing is bad or wrong than chances are, it is. No, I'm not saying you're a "bad boyfriend" but I am saying that the both of you sound young nd confused. You both need to compromise nd find common ground - nd most importantly, build trust, love, nd your relationship in a healthy way if you want it to work out. Patience is key. But nothing is set in stone. You can do everything right nd it still might not work out but at least you tried. Either way, this is something the two of you need to work on together.
I completely understand what you mean. Sorry if my post was confusing (I used the awful Google Translate). I hope you didn’t take it as a marriage proposal, but rather as a dating proposal (we’re still in high school). I don’t disagree with much of what you said, because I realized the things I did much later, but there’s still some doubt about my actions and hers.
anyway, thank you very much!
by ga_r0ck3r2000; ; Report
nick ⋆˚࿔
olha, cara, você tem suas dificuldades e limites e cabe a ela entender isso tanto quanto cabe a você ceder um pouquinho de vez em quando (não sempre, mas às vezes ir na onda dela), em minha visão pelo menos.
ela não pode esperar que tu adivinhe as coisas e aceite toque físico toda hora, mas não me parece que você seja um namorado ruim, principalmente porquê você tá real se importando
ah valeu cara, eu ultimamente estava muito preucupado com isso, obrigado de verdade!
by ✸ 𓂃 𓄲 𝗻a𝗺u ๋ ࣭ ⭒ 𝐈̶̲𝐈̶̲; ; Report
por nada!! espero que fiquem bem
by nick ⋆˚࿔; ; Report