this is not poetry it’s just thoughts

// big vent? yap? idk, mentions of drugs

i think my mind thrives off of someone living inside of it

it’s phrased weirdly but you get me

molly, i think a part of you still lives in my mind

a part of you always will since you left with me needing you to stay

we hung out every week

i was 13, wanting to live an interesting life

you were so much cooler than me

you had cool hair, a boyfriend, cool clothes

i’d only just got my hair cut short, i didn’t know how to live

and that day in the bathroom

the first time we met

it was the most fun i’d had since i became the opposite of naive

all of you is the most fun i’ve ever had

it’ll have been a year since you left on wednesday

maybe it was for the better

maybe you were a bad influence

you introduced me to drugs afterall

i held you when you had bad trips

and you held me

it wasn’t romantic

but i loved you

i worshipped every pebble you stood on

you were an angel to me

only now do i realise how awful that was for me

so i suppose it’s fitting you’re only a memory now

by then, we were 14

early 2024, that school trip to spain

the first time you cried to me

you told me how hopeless you felt

i came home with a pit in my chest

and since then it’s grown and grown

you filled it with light every time we hung out

it was an ethereal light

you brought that back this year

it was only you that could bring it back

you were older, and so much cooler than me

you had that same glow she did

but nothing ever works out

and nothing will ever work out

everyone either leaves, changes, or stops loving you

maybe i’ll change soon enough

or maybe it’ll all change in college

or uni if i even go

but maybe it’ll change in another life

that pit in my chest has only grown since i met you

you made me feel wanted at one point

and like a dog i heeled to that feeling

i snarled when i didn’t feel wanted anymore

and i grew distant

but i don’t think you cared about that

i’m grateful you were honest when you changed

and maybe we will be friends

but i’m scared that pit in my chest will grow as our friendship does

maybe one day someone will fill that void

with something fuller than light

but for now i’ll dwell, alone in that hole in my chest

in that hole, i’ll be a lesson to whoever needs me to be

it’s all i was ever meant to be

and i hope who comes after me lives with the version of you that’s grown

and you’ll be happy together

i will live, as i will die, A Lesson.