creep

I’ve heard and seen people describe this same thing a few times like a common annoyance but not in a way (well rarely) they’ve felt deeply since the moment they were born, But yeah anyways I’ve just felt utterly creepy for the longest time. Like an animal. In middle school up to my freshman-first 2 months of my sophomore year (after that my appearance would kind of “drastically change” but I can talk about that later) I had no friends , even the ones I’ve made now (except one girl that I got close with) I’m 90% sure wouldn’t even think of coming up or approaching me before previously it just feels like I’m playing pretend with. Any time I’m with these groups (trying to live out the teenage nt experience basically, another corny way of playing pretend while others just have it naturally) the permanent feeling of “you don’t actually belong here/no body actually wants you to be around them or talk to them so you should just go by your own business” comes and I just feel bad. Usually before when I was ugly people would be real with it and make disgusted stares / basically make it obvious they’re put off with me in ways that are even beyond the appearance, like it’s even in my demeanor but now that I look different it’s more subtle and hidden.

even my family knows it, including in “typical places” or other things you would think you’re supposed to feel comfortable in (or the illusion of belonging actually) it'll just somehow ultimately go back to the default of being othered. it’s like a curse. I’ve told myself to just accept it but the reality of basically being alone still can bother me even though I’ve already been that way for most of my life, so I should be used to it because the truth is that I’ll always be an stranger to everyone. It has made me disinterested in/shy away from conversing with people for the longest even with people I do find decent but for the hope of a non irritating or problem starting outcome, I would just start plainly avoiding them in general. I hope junior year will be nicer.

Anyway, I think I’m in my monthly era of having really strange and theatrical dreams again. I once talked about fairies and deers with someone I know online and how I relate and like them, opened up Instagram reels a day later to legit see a video of a guy petting a deer who he named “fairy”. Before that I  told the girl who i really only consider a best friend about certain types of boots and skirts then literally saw the same exact brand and type on my feed randomly. Told myself I should start sewing band patches on my stuff and had a dream of me doing the same exact thing. It’s stuff like this that happen alot which makes it seem weird explain or actually say outloud but it is quite enjoyable to see and experience (on a positive note cause I noticed any time I do post here it just sounds pretty cringe and sappy)

ok thanks for reading (again) , stay tuned to hear me talk about how social media (specifically tiktok) has made the goth subculture* just seem stupid and repetitive.

https://youtu.be/8WI9ErdkuZc?si=bAw4DfN5sKpN9nPP