my summer is ending and i have no contacts irl

I just realized that in two days I'm going back to school, and all I have is probably a depressive episode and a backpack

In the last few years, if I didn't go to school, I would become a shut-in. I didn't go to school music since I graduated when I was 13 and in 7th grade, I don't go to the pool, I don't even do online classes, I only go outside to go to school or to the store when my parents ask me to. I do have some friends irl, but they're all ones I would never see or contact again. I really have only one person irl to hang out with, and I can't really stand her sometimes, but we have known each other since childhood, and I want to keep strong through this.

I don't think I would get any friends anyway in my current state. I'm autistic and very passionate about the things I like to the point I start ranting in a very weird way, where people just get weirded out. It's a bit hurtful to see people slowly frown as they listen to me talk. I'm the type to constantly ramble, so I don't know when to stop. I can't help but feel like everyone in my class is against me. When I speak up, I immediately embarrass myself, even online. I have a safe online circle of friends where we all talk freely and know each other pretty well, where we don't get weirded out at specific things.

I still feel heaviness in my chest when trying to message my best friend. We live in two different countries (but have the same timezone!), so we can't meet or anything, that's our only way of contact. I expressed my fear of talking to him randomly multiple times, and no matter how much he reassures me it's okay, I can't bring myself to talk to him like I used to back when we were 12 and I felt totally content with updating him on the most boring shit ever vs now. Maybe I made new friends in a server where I can send messages and no one feels pressured to answer.

Well, that's all the contact with people I have. One irl classmate I knew since we were diaper babies, my online best friend, and my online circle of friends I gathered by being obnoxious online.

Two months. Vacations started June 28, and they end September 1. That's a long period of time for some, and I can appreciate that. That's why I feel even worse thinking about how I wasted them. My parents were the ones dragging me around places like the mountains, the sea, to cousins, grandparents, uncles, and even Switzerland when I was 4 years old. But now? I sit in my room, alone. Talking with friends online, watching YouTube videos, and crying to myself. All in my bed.

My back hurts. My throat is sore. My vision is blurry. My hands and feet are cold. I wasted 2 months. I'm 15 years old and I wasted my 2-month-long summer, when some people would use it to its fullest. I'm the teenager I fantasized about when I was 7, and now I'm letting myself down. I thought I'd look fabulous, have a boyfriend (well, look at that...), be popular in high school, be a petshop youtuber...? Yes, that was one of my dreams. But I didn't do anything.

I have a crush on a girl in the 3rd year while I'm in the 1st year. I don't know her name, I don't know anything about her, I just pass by her sometimes in the hall. This year will be her last. I won't talk to her ever again. My glasses are stained with dried tears I am too lazy to clean. Maybe I could see it in poetic lighting like that. But my misery doesn't help in that. I didn't do any of the goals I had; I didn't write or draw anything other than lazy 500-word one-shots at 2 am of my otp in a moment of desperation or doodles of my OCs on my tablet. I didn't create anything of value.

I wished to get a haircut, but I look the same. Maybe the fact that I could start a routine of brushing my teeth every night is a step towards something greater. Now I just have to start brushing my teeth in the morning, too. But now that I think of it, I didn't brush my teeth yesterday. The only hygienic routine left is me washing my hair and taking a bath.

My parents are sick of me. They act like they hate me at times, my mom is constantly mad because I do nothing around the house (I try my best, but maybe I am lazy too, I really can't deny that, no matter how much I pitied myself in this entry), my dad jumped at my throat only today. I think he's just emotionally unstable, as in he's a grown ass man with the mentality of a toddler that is constantly justified, because he's the one with power over me. As much as I'll defend my mother even when I'm mad at her, I don't feel like defending my father. I can tell he loves me, but that's all he does. Feels, but shows nothing like that other than empty words. He's too rough for me. When things don't go his way, he does what I would call a socially justified tantrum. He starts warning me he'll be "worse than he is now", he'll take away my electronics (my only source of happiness rn), he'll get physical, and all that.

I love Mom, but she's not perfect either. I feel like she wants the best, but she's too easily overwhelmed by situations because of the high stress she is under constantly. If my father is emotionally unstable, I'd say my mom is emotionally fragile. When I went to therapy and had the worst moments in my life (6th grade... shivers), she'd say she's the one who needs therapy. And I agree. She can be a bit petty when mad, but it passes, and she's okay again. So she's better than Dad.

I don't hate my parents, I just feel like they don't understand me. I think they don't want to understand me. They want me to keep quiet after the amount of pressure they (mainly Mom, Dad was just angry, like it's the only emotion he can feel atp) went under when I was severely depressed.

My little brother is my only mental support in this household. He's 7 years old and has a better grasp of my feelings than my 40-year-old father. I love my brother, and I hope he loves me too, even if we fight a lot over stupid things. He tried to defend me when Dad and I started fighting, but he got shushed. That's a shame, but I appreciate it.

Summer is ending. I have nothing. Not books, not notebooks, just hopes, dreams, dried tears everywhere, and my broken phone with no functioning buttons.

Maybe I'll make blog entries like this more often. That's all for now. Bye, if you read this, thumbs up to you!