I don’t know what i'am anymore

I can't control anymore whatever the fuck my mind is doing until today. My mood is coming up and down every. Single. Time. And I don't know what the hell do with this. The voices in my mind are getting louder, and I just can't stop feeling... well... this way. I don't have any word to describe myself or everything is going on with me anymore, I feel that i was born to die inside the nature, inside a virtual reality, just try to figure out what i'm supposed to be in life. I always I fantasize about torturing my stepbrother and my dad. They fucked up my entire life, my whole existence, and my poor.. dear mother. I just wanted to protect her, but i'm fragile physically and also emotionally. I cry a lot, i want to protect every single thing i love, but i don't know how. 

I hope my father die. I hate everything about him, his face, personality, that stupid smile he makes everytime he tooks a selfie, it disgust me so much it makes me want to trow up. He never believed me, he never defended me when that ugly, disgusting shit of dad he had touched me when i was little, and when i fought back nobody cared, no one, my mommy wasn't there, she was at a trip. My disgusting father did anything, but blame me. He is a mistake, he need to pay for everything he makes us live thought. I never felt so much hatred on my whole life, i don't care if he bought me a private school, a switch or clothes. There's no value on what he make me feel and what he made to my dearest mommy. I wish she could meet a better man, to have a beautiful daughter, and life.

How i could make him suffer? 

I ask that to myself every single night. How can he pay? How can his hoe pay us? I always imagine that one day, i'm gonna fake my tears and say that i forgive him, that can i stay in your house daddy! With my stepbitch and my dearest stepabortion, we could live a happy life now! I going to forgot all the shit i had to pass through, the time i cut my wrists and thighs that i almost passed away in my own bathroom, the time i tried to hang myself, but failed at the most patheric way because i felt sort of empathy for my baby titi, with her big olive eyes looking at me while i was standing up from the chair in full darkness, using my favorites clothes, and hugging tightly my panda plush. Don't you feel pity for me, daddy? Anyone? Good, because my stepbrother is going to suffer at first. You know fuck off i'm bored to think the ways i could torture him soooo maybe next time.

Btw I go to the psychologist and psychiatrist, it just doesn't make an effect on me anymore lol