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About 9 months ago, I lost my paternal grandma, it was a really sudden death considering her health was ok and she was with me a week before it all happened, I was really devastated because as a younger child we weren't as close as we became the year before she passed, I can never explain how happy I was when I had a long conversation for the first time with her a couple of month before she passed, we were discussing my future and she was genuinely interested, it felt like we were finally becoming a lot closer and it was lovely
Then, it happened, she passed away and I was heartbroken because she left after we had become closer than ever and it was all so sudden
After it happened, I knew I wouldn't be used to not having her around, I'd find it weird going to her house now that she's not there, whenever I saw dad on the phone I'd ask if he was talking to her and then realize that can't be, I thought I'd get used to it and get it through my mind a couple of weeks after she passed just like I did when my maternal grandma passed away earlier the same year (we were also super close, ever since I was born, and yes 2024 was a wild year I still have no idea how I survived it)
But the thing is, I still haven't gotten used to it, I still expect to find her at her house every time we go there and then find it weird she isn't there, I still ask dad if he's talking to her whenever I see him on the phone, I still want to tell her about my test results and how I did great just like I promised her, I still save a bit of the pineapple scented cream I made her try the last time I saw her, waiting for the next time she comes over so I can give her more of it because she said she liked it, I still wait for her approval when I wear the outfit I wore the last time I saw her, waiting to show her and hear her tell me about how great it looks on me, I still save pictures of me and my friends to show her the next time she comes over and tell her all about the day I had with them
I thought I'd get used to it a couple of weeks later, but here I am almost a year later, still waiting, still can't wrap my mind about how she's gone and how I won't get to see her ever again
Sometimes (rarely though) I realize that she's gone and I start to blame myself for not spending more time with her, for not trying to become closer years ago, for thinking she'd always be there and never preparing myself to lose her one day
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twinklelore
I really felt your words, and I just want to say it’s completely normal that even after all this time, it still feels unreal, grief doesn’t follow a timeline. The bond you shared with your grandma, especially since you grew closer before she passed, makes her absence even harder to accept, and that’s only because of how much she meant to you. Please don’t blame yourself for not getting closer earlier; what matters is the love and memories you did create together, and those will always stay with you. The way you still want to share moments with her just shows how deeply she’s still part of your life, and even though it hurts now, with time those memories will bring you more comfort than pain.
yeah, grief is tough, thank you tho
by Noor Adel; ; Report
MiRAGE_☆
I feel you. Grief isn't easy and I'm sorry you feel that way :( don't blame yourself for not spending enough time with her, you wouldn't have known. Things will be okay, just take your time, and don't tear yourself up. Take care <3
Thank you <3
by Noor Adel; ; Report
KImisquid
Wow girl I get you. That must be so heartbreaking. But don't feel guilty. At least you got closer to her and you both enjoyed talking together and make beautiful memories.
I lost my great aunt some time ago and it was the same, I couldn't get used to it, just thinking that she wasn't there anymore was impossible. I hope you'll get better ♡ <3
I'm trying my best to get over the guilt, btw I'm sorry to hear you also went through that, I hope you feel better
by Noor Adel; ; Report