[vent] 9th circle of hell

life feels like eternal torture for me, the past hurts, the present is unberable and the future is uncertain and hopeless, my whole life ive felt like ive been walking thru very thick fog, letting the reduced visibility guide my path.

i feel like most things in my life are out of my control, i feel like i procrastinate too much, i feel like i cant empathize and support others, i feel worthless, i feel like ill never amount to anything and i feel like im the worst person to have around, just a ball and chain to anyone who ever dares to interact with me, and to make things worse i constantly keep lying to myself.

i keep on chasing after others' praises, ive never been praised for what i am and for what i achieved or even done, and when i do i never let it go in my heart, i start to immediately assume they're just lying to make me feel better, this also applies to compliments.

it's an unending cycle in my life, i dont know how to stop it or if it would ever even stop.

ive tried to improve but i never manage to do any meaningful progress, mental help would never work out for me, it terrifies me.

i dont have any big plans for myself, i just want to live my life as comfortably as possible, i dont need big houses or luxurious cars and clothes and whatever, i just want the bare minimum, a quiet life that i think i deserve after brewing in chaos for all this time, but considering how the world is at the moment, my lack of self esteem and control over things, that increasingly becomes more of a dream than a reality with each day passing by.

i will never forgive the people who've shaped me to be like this.