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There is safety in familiarity.
Life is gray. I watch everything from behind a curtain, seeing everything through a fabric that taints the colors and turns them monochrome. Black, white, black, white. It suctions to my body, forcing its way over my mouth and suffocating me until I can't breathe. If I breathe out, I can get a pocket of air that lasts for a minute before I am suffocated once more. But such is life. I am still alive.
Some days, I feel trapped by the curtain. Other days, I welcome it. If I squint enough, the black and the white swirls together to create new shades of gray; it's beautiful, if even for a minute. These days make the curtain worthwhile. Yes, the curtain is smothering, but it also keeps me hidden from everything on the other side. I'll enjoy my gray swirls and solitude, my gasps of air that keep my lungs full. What else is there?
. . . What else is there?
What if there's more colors out on the other side of the curtain? What if there's enough air to fill my lungs forever on the other side of the curtain? What if I can't even fathom what's on the other side of the curtain?
Is it worth the risk?
I, like a lot of other people, have struggled with my mental health since I was a kid. I can't really remember a time where I didn't feel like I was distanced from the world--in it, but not participating. When I became a teenager, I realized that I actually didn't want to leave that space. It sounds crazy, but to me, being isolated, depressed, and anxious was my "normal," and anything outside of that seemed new and scary. I mean, I was still surviving, so was it really that big of a deal? Don't a lot of people feel that way?
Then, college hit. Last school year was really, really rough. I vowed to myself that I would seek out help this year. That means starting the process of wanting to get better. That's significant. I'm not just on a journey of getting better; I have to want it first. That comes with convincing myself that jumping to the other side of that curtain is worth it, and that there really is more to life than gray.
Today, I've got a career path I adore, a fiancé, three amazing best friends, an improved relationship with my brothers, and a Jiu Jitsu community to show up for. I have a reason to get better. All of these people deserve me at my best, and I'm going to give them that. I've finally started medication, I'm seeing a professional regularly, and I've finally given a name to my depression and OCD.
To those wondering if life on the other side of the curtain is worth it: I sure hope so. And I also hope that you'll come join me in finding out.
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