[please fill out this field]

aug 27 2025

wow hey guys its been a month. school started up last week and i already want to blow my brains out so yay! me and my ex went no contact (again. for the 80th time.) like two weeks ago and ive been doing good. or well as good as i can with how shitty i feel all the time for other reasons. he texted me yesterday tryna fuck and then today he started talking about how im trash and could fuck better. it was really weird and i dont know why he started being rude out of nowhere, but i just left him on read because i really dont have the time or energy to care. i started talking to this other guy a month ago and it was going well, but i think he's getting bored. we were supposed to go on a date last weekend but he suddenly felt ill. reaaaal original. and he literally just left me on read like SIX hours ago so i don't think its gonna go anywhere anymore, but its whatever. i wasnt really attached. it does kinda suck though because my phone is so dry and i get so bored, like what am i supposed to do now? i literally only have two friends that i text frequently. i also just want the aesthetic of having a boyfriend because im an aesthetic person. i really dont need the emotional aspects of a relationship, i just need them to pose with me so i can post it. why does fake dating only happen in fanfics :/ it would come in handy so bad right now like UGH. i like girls too but i dont fw playing women they dont deserve that so i just gotta wait until im actually ready for a relationship. life will be okay though. everything will pass if i let it pass and honestly i just really need to focus on school so i can make it through junior year (again. embarrassing i know)

i'm also so hungry all the time its so evil. i hate eating so bad. its so good in the moment, but then hours pass and i look at my naked body or just my body in general and i sigh. like today i wore a tight shirt and i thought i looked hot in it. i took a mirror picture and started to look at it and i looked so top heavy. i literally traced my shape to make sure i was seeing this shit correctly. it makes me sick to my stomach and i already dont eat throughout the day. like i skip breakfast and lunch. but i guess school just started so itll take some time for it to kick in. maybe. hopefully. i look back at pictures before the summer and i was so thin. like my face dude. cheekbones were on full display, but now? my cheeks are chubby as shit. i hate body dysmorphia. i cant take it. one day i feel so scrawny and then the next day i feel big as shit. what sense does that make? how do i make it stop? how do i fix whatever is fucking wrong with me? i feel like i need a lobotomy. like start pulling out pieces of my brain or whatever it is they did. just fix me. something, anything.

my dad is drunk again, but this time hes like really drunk. usually he just gets a little tipsy, but this time he's unstable, stumbling every which way. i hate that man, he's so fucking stupid. he's also psychotic, genuinely insane. i think he's bipolar or has bpd which has nothing to do with him being insane, but i think he has one if not all of those. he's actually scary like i deadass believe he's possessed by demons at times which sounds insane, yeah, but if you knew my dad you'd think the same. i be scared to look that man in his eyes dude, its freaky. i don't even know. he also just has such a bad energy surrounding him. blehhhh. he sux mad dick. and i have to hang out with him after school tomorrow kill me where i stand. gotta sit there and make awkward small talk or (and this is worse) listen to him go on this long rant full of bullshit and excuses about himself, and why he acts the way he does, and how he loves my mom and blah blah blah. like okay you had a fucked-up life, im sorry, but ur pushing 50 and you don't know how to take care of yourself and act like a fucking man so how sorry can one really feel for you. especially because broski has been like this my entire life. dude, hes been like this his entire life. its pathetic and he's gonna be so shocked when i turn 18 and disappear (this is how i disappear) off the face of the earth.

holy yap sorry to whoever has the misfortune of reading this 

peace out, 

- kierian