And once again, the internet saves me

I was going through my day as usual, yk, questioning if all my friends would be better off without me and convincing myself im not good enough for them and they should replace me with the new person in the group who's dating my ex and stuff

And while that I was watching some youtube videos cause honestly I get so much motivation watching youtube, so I came across this video, it was a deep dive into the videogame "Needy streamer overload" (one of my fav games EVER)

The creator of the video was a really cute girl with awesome make up so like ofc I had to watch it. She talked about how she can relate to the main character of the game, Kangel, now if u dont know the meme, the joke is basically "anyone who relates to kangel is a crazy bitch or an attention seeker pretending to have 193482 mental illnesess", and ofc the cc was aware of that (gotta know ur fandom) but then she went on explaining the way she relates to Kangel due to her BPD and shit, and talked about how Kangel and herself share symptoms and she feels represented.

And then my brain decided to work and I realised "wait- I have BPD... Ooooooooh..." 

I kinda forgot I was diagnosed with a personality disorder like a year or two ago i dont remember im writting this at 3am have pity on me lol. And the reason why this was like a relief is kinda why kids stop being scared of things once you explain them to them in words they can understand. I can now think "hey, these thoughts about my friends hating me and me being a bad person? Yeah that's like part of the mental package I got" which is like SUCH a relief cause I genuinly thought there was something wrong with me and I was super anxious and looking for was to fix myself to be more appealing to others and stuff, but knowing that what's causing these thoughts and terrible feelings is not reality but a disorder I have in my brain that distords my reality, honestly is kinda a relief, like yay my friends dont hate me I'm just ill

And probably I will end up falling down the rabbit hole again and I will have to find another reminder of "hey, chill, it's cool, ur friends dont hate u you're just a little more bad in the head than them" and the cycle will repeat itself over and over again 

Kinda sad but I was told life is a rollercoaster so ig this is what this is about, having ups and downs, mines are a little bit higher and a little bit lower than most and involve me wanting to cut off communication with everyone I know and lock myself in my room until I rot, but I'm a strong person lol, I'll pick myself up everytime.

So yeah Kangel saved me this time lmao

(also sorry for like not posting in months I was kinda busy with -insert believable excuse as to why I was absent- but I'll try to post more often, I honestly forgot how cool this website was)

BLESS!🙏🙏🙏