Things to know about me

Hello! ^^ 

So, like the title says, these are just things abt me you might wanna check out either to know me better or to see if you even want to be friends. I don't think I have to hide anything about myself, even if many people will hate me. 

First i want to say that even tho I tend to think in black and white, I am a pretty gray person myself, not all good and not all bad. I'm very capable of doing both, and in big ammounts.. 

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1. I am very opinionated and have a strong sense of justice. 

Most of them are meant to protect opressed groups and hate on mysoginy, homophobia, racism etc, stuff like that. Even if I have very mean opinions sometimes, it's with good intent, to protect someone.

2. I am a misandrist.

 Weird i have to admit that but sometimes it takes people by surprise if I don't say it. Let me be clear, I don't hate any guy if I don't see anything wrong with him. If I don't sense any sexism in him or hate towards the wrong groups of people, I don't feel any hate towards him. I trust people first, and only turn extremly hateful if I sense they are a bad person (which sadly tends to happen a lot).

3. I have bpd. 

It's self diagnosed, and I don't feel bad about that. No other disorder fits my symptoms. (plus the last time I tried getting diagnosed here i ended up at the psych ward but thats another story). I'm mostly normal, unless, like I said before, i sense someone is a bad person. Many times i was right, but many times i also assumed things and I was wrong about said people. If I ever get mad and think you're a bad person, try explaining yourself and prove you're not, and then I will be able to calm down and apologize. You don't have to put up with this if you can't, but if you're not willing to fight for yourself and your image, and convince me you're a good person, then don't even bother being my friend, I really don't want to interact with bad people in a safe place. I'm managing my symptoms better than the past years, but i will still feel them pretty much every day. Calm people help. People that ignore or leave when i get angry are the worst. People that get angry if I get angry only provoke me to argue with them. This is a coping mechanism, because it's always better to protect yourself than to be stomped on. Also I might lose empathy if I get angry and sense you're a threat, thats why I mostly need calm, patient people as friends. Biggest triggers are usually if i find out someone is a mysoginist mf, or sexual stuff, pretty much. Very big on sexual stuff, esp if I sense its the dehumanizing, disrespectful kind, ykwim. Other than that are the common ones like being left out or ignored, but I rarely feel those anymore. 

4. I'm a sadist. 

Not a good name, for anyone, I know. What this basically means is that I would like having a bf that wants me to hurt him. That's pretty much it. Doesn't interfere with my life anymore, doesn't come up in friendships. Its just there, but thought it'll be good ro know either way. I use writing and art to express these thoughts and satisfy any need I might have of seeing someone in pain. Also a coping mechanism, appeared as one, and now i'm stuck with it for the rest of my life. And no, I never hurted anyone irl. That kind of thing is intimate for me, so I really dont want to hurt anyone even if I hate their guts. Trust me i hate most sadists too. 

5. I have weird empathy. 

Sometimes i have so much i feel everyone's pain at the same time and I just cry for hours, and sometimes I don't feel empathy at all and it makes me feel like a serial killer. The loss of empathy usually comes up only after i've been very hurt for a long time. If i'm happy, that won't happen, it only comes up in very critical situation. I have a lot of hate in me, but also a lot of love. And most of the time, I give the wrong thing to the wrong people.

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Other things that are not so significant, uhh.. 

𖦹 I have a soft spot for people acting the exact opposite as their gender (acting the opposite as what society forced them to be). 

𖦹 But i also like feminine people in general, any gender, wether it's appearance or behaviour, Idk I just really like that in people.

𖦹 I will get angry for a friend's abuse and pain, sometimes even more than them. And some people don't know how to respond to that. 

𖦹 I spend a lot of time on creative and colorful things that make me happy, art in general.

𖦹 I really like psychology, and I want to be a therapist one day, preferably at a psychiatric hospital or a prison. 

𖦹 Sometimes I slightly age regress, I love coloring books and stickers and toys 

𖦹 Somehow, for some reason, many people thought I was a boy, or call me gay. Cis girl, I like men, but somehow i "sound gay saying that". Ive heard this a lot, idrk whats up with that. 

𖦹 I hyperfixate a lot and I really enjoy small things that make me happy :3

𖦹 (Also I still have depression, that sometimes slips out, but im getting better every year) 

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Also, if I see you not interacting anymore, I'll unfriend you. Things like, you didn't respond to my messages for days but you're frequently online, or things like that. Not really looking for someone that will ghost me, thanks.

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