situationship (cooked?? help)

when i woke up today i got the most unfortunate message like it was the second tower falling

for some context, i havent talked to this dude (yes i know, a man...end me) in like MONTHS and the reason being we had a falling out over what we wanted (he was being flakey and i called him out lmao)

anyway, it hurt me for awhile because if you know anything about bpd- you will fucking crashout when you feel abandoned, and so thats occured...

then i got locked in because why would i act this way over a MAN??? but all you really need to know is that im honestly less emotionally attached to people because a lot of things happened my senior year, god i hated high school.

so, after months of no contact (since our falling out over him being flaky), he suddenly hit me up. for context: i had impulsively texted him a “hey” months back, but he never responded until now.

the conversation was basically him checking in like, “yo, did you need something? you good?” and me brushing it off. from there, it spiraled into us catching up about work, piercings, tattoos, music references, and me teasing him for being “performative” with his depop/matcha addictions. he tried to clap back saying he’s “real” and “cowboy now,” while I just clowned him for being basic.

the rest was just back-and-forth banter: him showing off cowboy fits, me talking about shows/travel/piercings, and both of us lightly roasting each other.

so...idk am i cooked?????

-

EDIT: its been a week from what i wrote above, sorry for a more serious tone lol...

i realized something that would’ve sent me into psychosis months ago...ive lost all feelings for him. and i dont  know whether to feel relieved, guilty, or numb.

talking to him again felt boring. i wasnt hurt, i wasnt excited. i  just saw him as someone who could be “useful” for practical things, maybe someone to pass the time with. that thought makes me feel horrible, because once upon a time, he was my best friend. but when i look back honestly, i dont think he ever really respected me. yes, he cared in his own way, but his behavior often made me feel like I was just someone he came to when life was too heavy, not someone he genuinely valued as a constant.

he left me hanging so many times, broke promises, and only seemed to reach out when he was bored. i tried to understand (stress, work, school, life) but in the end, i didnt feel like i mattered the way a true friend should. when i finally confronted him and asked for basic respect, he brushed me off and said we were better off not being friends, that we had grown apart. at the time, i was devastated. i cried, i mourned, i yearned. It felt like losing him was losing a piece of myself.

but now? i get it. maybe he was right. maybe we really did grow apart.

its strange because i spent so long wondering if he ever felt something for me, especially since he blurred the lines of our friendship so often. i used to replay every moment, every conversation, every shift in tone. now, i look at it and think: huh. i dont feel anything anymore. i acknowledge he was once important to me, and that matters, but I dont feel that burning connection. its gone.

part of me feels guilty, because it feels like im becoming as careless as he was, reducing him to someone “useful” instead of someone meaningful. but the truth is, i havent even talked to him in a week, and i havent cared. ive been busy, entertained with my music, with life. and he hasnt reached out either. it felt like before. i had always been the one initiating, and i cant stand the thought of repeating that cycle.

i do miss the moments we shared. they were fun, and they mattered at the time. but i dont miss him. and i think im finally starting to accept that maybe what i thought was love or deep friendship was really just me holding on to someone who couldnt give me what i needed.

i used to think love had to be messy, painful, fiery, passionate and for a while, it was. but maybe real growth is when the fire flickers out and youre not destroyed by it anymore. maybe its when you can say, “i cared. it mattered. and now its time to move on.”

...thoughts?

p.s. guess whose going to be listening to i dont love you and honey this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us?

-alix