This Love

I didn't plan to fall for you,

I didn't even know it was happening,

Until I caught myself rereading the messages you sent,

Holding my breathe when your status lit up green,

But you mentioned her—

You typed her name softly, sweetly,

Like a line you memorized from a poem you couldnt stop repeating,

You said she was beautiful in that lovely way,

The kind of girl who makes you believe in something even if you've stopped believing yourself,

And I-

I felt like I was sinking through my chair, through the floor,

Through every foolish moment that brought me here, sitting all alone

Of course it was another girl. Another girl, not me.

A girl who´s probably real in your life.

Who isn't just a floating name on the screen of a phone,

And now this love- This feeling that creeped inside me so suddenly, so violently.

Has turned into something very ugly and raw.

It goes down my stomach in the middle of night,

Makes me nauseous in ways I cant explain.

I might try to stop being an addict,

But while watching you drift away,

I sit in my addictions, drown in them,

Hoping the pain would soothe when cutting myself

You talk about her and laugh, and I smile,

I am not the girl you're falling for.

I'm just the one who´s always cheering you, always here.

I never told you how I felt, And maybe that's for the best,

Because I´d rather be sick in silence than taking the risk of losing you,

So I´ll keep being kind, keep typing hearts you´ll never understand,

I´ll keep hoping the ache fades, hoping it hurts less,

But the more we talk, I´ll drink until I'm a mess.