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It's not that I'm bookdumb or streetdumb, I'm feelings dumb. It is one of the WORST feelings ever. I just feel so stupid for even thinking a guy might like me? And it hurts worse when you are warned and you went through with it anyways. Because at that point you have to swallow the pill of knowing you're in fault. I always feel at fault, like it's always going to be what I did. I feel stupid for thinking people might want to be my friend. I feel horrible thinking my mom and dad will come around eventually. I feel horrible about the way I look, I don't even know why, I dont think Im unattractive or anything I just want someone else to think I'm attractive or cute too? I want someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay, that I am beautiful, that it isn't always my fault. I want to feel wanted. I always feel out of place no matter what. I've tried the affrimations, finding small things, writing it down, art, running, fighting, drugs, alcohol, weed, nicotine, EVERYTHING, but why does it work for EVERYONE else BUT ME? I wish I was normal. It's not the 'I hate being a nerd' or the 'No one likes what I do', it's the fact that I have NOTHING. I dont really like anything, I don't hate anything, I just kinda am here, no porpous, no life, I do things in my community, I read, I draw, I play with my stuffies, but it doesn't give me a thrill anymore. The only thing that thrills me is pleasing others and getting praise. I dunno why it makes me so happy. I wish it didn't. Even in a room of people who I know love me and care about me, I feel so cold and alone. I try to engage but everyone looks at me weird like I said something wrong. All I want more than ANYTHING is a friend. My bestfriend and I have officially gone no contact sense May or June, I lost count thinking about him too much. He was the only person that I could go to, that knows me, thats been with me through thick and thin. Now there is no one or anything. I hate being lonely. I hate being alone, but I also hate people? I hate being contradictory to myself. Idk how to end this so bai
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scez
its probably not the same thing as youre experiencing, but i guess i can kinda relate.
tbh thats like my 3rd time rewriting this cause i dont really know what i relate about but i know in general i can agree to the stuff that you are saying.
I like the validation of people but at the same time i hate it.
I never liked anyone really but i never hated anyone either.
Although, i feel like its starting for me now, I think it has alot to do with age.
i dont know how old you are and i dont wanna blame it all on "youll eventually grow out of it", but personally i started to develop, i guess, emotions.
Rn im 18 and before that i never really felt anything but at the same time everything.
It always was like either i feel nothing or to much which tbh still happens.
I can say tho, i think im better at knowing what i feel and how to react to it.
I recently have somewhat big aggression problems which throw me off, but i learned to somewhat control that anger.
I prob just said alot of nothing but if you wanna talk you can hit me up