God

In 2022 I began to be an atheist, I say I started because I was raised evangelically, my evangelical mother and my atheist father, but religiously I was raised by my mother, although she is a believer, she was not in charge of taking me to masses, or baptizing me, or making sure to read the Bible with me, what she did do was pray with me and say that God is our salvation from time to time, nothing dramatic although I always followed in her footsteps I was still in doubt and asked myself questions like, does God exist? I had read the Bible on my own and I understood that without faith it is useless to praise a god and this tormented me a lot whether to believe or not, it was not my decision, I was very disciplined in terms of thanking God and everything related to it, but that doubt invaded me and filled me with discomfort, at the beginning of 2022 I decided to become an atheist and let my mind rest from religions, a rather abrupt change, I did not tell my mother, but I think she noticed because of my lack of interest in religion, just that year my parents decided to move and enrolled me in a private catholic school, not because I was religious, just because it was a good school, they often had masses at that school and I had two religion subjects something that I wasn't very interested in because those topics overwhelmed me and scared me for various reasons, today I am still in that school, I have taken advantage of the summer to reflect on myself, and I realized that I do want to believe in God, but the closer I get to God the more questions and doubts I have, and I can't say I believe in something when deep down I know it's not true, I've tried to convince myself and it just doesn't work, I'm really a little envious of those people who love God, and are so sure that he loves them too, I wish I could remove those doubts in my mind and start Catholicism, at least I'm not an atheist, for now I prefer to call myself agnostic, which is to believe in both possibilities, if God exists or No, I would like someone who is a believer to explain to me how they do that, how they can blindly love someone without having them face to face... thanks for reading up to here, if anyone dared to read something so long hahaha, and if you could help me I would be very grateful, God bless you.