3AM Fire [Diary-Blog]

I was rudely awoken by the sound of fire alarms going off this 'morning'. I don't know why yet- it's 4:30AM as I'm typing this...

So I flung myself out of bed, got dressed, grabbed my cat, shoved her in her backpack-carrier, grabbed my keys and wallet and booked it with the rest of the building.

It was hot and humid as most summer nights in Florida are. My cat yowled the whole way down the stairwell [to some peoples surprise - one person yelled "WHO is meowing" like she was a person xD ??], and as we came outside my I just kinda stood there in awe for a moment. M was texting her twin sister in a panic to figure out where she was.

I had us go up to where my car was parked so we could wait everything out there. Eventually M's sister and roommate showed up, and all 5 [6 including Ruby] were sat in my car, waiting out the emergency. 

At least I'd foreseen this. There's a reason I keep Ruby's carrier right next to my bed, and grabbed my keys specifically in case we needed a place to stay or to somehow evacuate campus. I'm not glad this happened, but at least now I know my emergancy plan works well enough to keep both me and Ruby safe. 

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I'm mostly writing this entry to get my thoughts in a row. Sitting in the drivers seat with all but a few vital items, car  full of people, looking out at the darkness and the 3AM times reminded me too much of Irma.

Now that I'm able to calm down, it's hitting me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost it all again. I'm just so glad Ruby was safe. I'm so glad everything was safe.

The way my PTSD works, it's never in the moment. It's the before and after. When something triggering is happening, I become absolutely focused on pure safety and survival in a way that's hyper efficient. My feelings don't matter, I just need to make sure my vessel and those I love are safe. 

But the beforehand- when I see a storm approaching on the news- that deep pit of sickness. The moment I freeze and everything is suddenly on the line. Sometimes I can't move. If there isn't imminent, certain danger, I am stuck. 

And afterwards, the devestation and exhaustion. The way it all floods back and hits me that I could have lost everything all over again. The recovery from an event, when your community isn't normal either. You can't just bear and ignore it, everyone is talking about it. I can't function normally, because theres a part of me still in that hyper vigilant survival state.

As I was writing this, the latter phase settled in a bit. I hugged Ruby and let out a dry sob. I can't even usually cry after this sort of thing. I didn't think this would affect my PTSD like it did. But physically I'm safe. I'm safe and I can work my way through the heiarchy of needs. I'll get there. It's 5AM now, but thankfully I delegated Sunday to being a rest day anyways. I'm just going to lay here. Try to process this. Augh...