Pls read this yes you. I won’t waste ur time.

Please read this. Like genuinely. This originally was going to be a thought or rather, inner dialogue I guess but, lately I’ve had a lot on my mind that I’d let to share with whoever is reading and if you are reading this I want you to know it’s very appreciated. For about four months now I started dating someone, it started by accident and I guess turned into a relationship that’s been quite chaotic. Of course it has its warm and fuzzy loving moments but there are moments where it leaves me alone and afraid. Love is a tricky feeling in itself, but relationships are a whole other ball game. In quite the lovely individual, im also a romantic, a hopeless one at that, and I’m afraid I caused my loneliness by being impatient, inexperienced, and foolish.  I rush things because I feel so lonely, I try to see the end picture rather the big picture as they say. I’d say that’s my biggest flaw. As the years goes by I’ve started to notice that relationships need a foundation to be built upon in order to be functional. Knowing this I somehow skip that part, and left confused why it all tumbled down but I’m not really here for the why or how, in here to express how badly I want to feel real love. There was one time I was in love and I just knew instantly. Not to say love at first sight is real because, it quite literally isn’t, you can’t like/love someone you don’t know but, when I saw her, my heart fluttered, my vision focused, my and my body began to shake nervously. It was like I was struck by lightning. I began to approach this girl, we bonded immediately. The connection you see, it was so..so so, fluid, organic, flexible even, it had no barriers it was just extraordinary. I have flaws, everyone does, but I haven’t met a person who saw that, saw all of me, and loved me for me regardless. It a sweet feeling, to have someone’s energy bounce off yours over and over creating this beautiful pattern that ignites an intimacy that’s un breakable between the two souls. The only thing that could break such a connection, is unpredictable variables. In other words, life. Life is unpredictably impossible to counter every single time, to know what’s to come to even fathom the what and the why things turn out the way they do. When we stopped talking, I couldn’t stop asking why. It was a quick drift apart, she had trauma and needed her space, I respect that. But I wonder, what glue could hold us together? What could hold me or anyone together at this point? I admit. After her I tried searching for her in other people I dated..and I also admit, I never really liked any of my relationships after that, foundation or no foundation but to be fair if I did build one it probably wasn’t strong enough because to be quite frank, I Don’t know what I’m doing, I Dong know how this all works. I’ve been alone for a long time u see, it’s hard to know what choices to pick when you’ve only just started living. Being born into this world as an infant, not knowing what the hell is going on and how things operate, and aging physically yes but mentally I’m still that lost lost child. I hope in writing this it connects to someone, they see and they understand. It’s sad I know, my last admit or, I guess latest attempt is to reach out through space hey, very “clever” but can you blame me? At this point, anything’s possible, because it’s unpredictable. Lately, I’ve been watching this show, called lessons in chemistry. Basically abt these two neurodivergent chemist nerds trying to find out the meaning of life and why it even exists and how it works as they fall in love and realize life and love is unpredictable, but without love it wouldn’t be possible for it to BE unpredictable. If I’m even making sense. That show speaks to me. The scenes between Elizabeth and Calvin. Their intimacy speaks volumes to me. The way she looks at him, the way he dances with her, the way she smiles, the way he hugs her and kisses her. I’ve never experienced such a feeling, not for long at least, and not twice either. I wish to feel those things. I wish for someone to see me and understand, and after understanding me, loving me, all of me, not just with words but action. It wouldn’t even matter to me if it was long distance. Actions regardless the distance speaks louder than any word in the dictionary. The girl I’m with now practically abandoned me, twice. There’s no love between us, so why am I even pretending. To fill the void I suppose. I’m tired of doing that though, I wanna feel something real. I want to love again like it’s the first time. Is that selfish? Maybe. But even so, if I’d be given that opportunity…I’d cherish them for the rest of time.