One sided love

The first look into his eyes and the sound of his laugh was enough for my stomach to flutter and for my heart to beat faster. The way his eyes twinkle when he smiles. The way his dimples deepen when he smiles without teeth. The way his wavy, brown hair falls over his wide brown eyes. The way his hands are almost triple the size of my own. The way his arms look like they could consume me whole with one hug. Everything about him is perfect. I examine everything about him as if I'd forget him if I looked away. I memorize every freckle as if they are the stars I whisper my secrets to. I memorize every facial expression to calculate what pleases and disgusts him. I want to know all the thoughts that run through his mind and all the reasons he cries. I want to know every secret of his that hasn't yet seen the light. To know all his flaws and perfections. To know all his interests and hobbies. Sometimes I steal glances of his face in concentration or in curiosity. My favorite is the face of when there are no words being said,but our eyes just meet as if we are talking to each other with our shared look and able to understand our silence. Or the face he makes when he stands too close and I can feel his warmth on my arm or neck. Or the face he makes when we have the same interests as if I'm the only one who truly understands him and the only one who would. Or the face he makes when we reference an inside joke and someone asks, "what?" and our eyes meet with his smile crawling along his face and he replies, "nothing you wouldn't get it," like it's our secret that he wants only between us, because it's just that special. There's not one part of him I don't love. I love all his sins and virtues. I love all his moods and stages. I love his progression and stillness. In my eyes, he's nothing less than perfect. He's a secret I keep only in the locket deep inside me. A secret he doesn't share with me. I'm not his secret. I'm not his every dream or thought like he is mine. He doesn't think of me when his eyes open in the morning and when his eyes close at night. He doesn't fluster when my arm brushes against his or when his eyes lock with mine. While one pair of eyes is seeing love, the other is seeing a person. I suffer in silence while I swallow every confession that urges to escape my mind and into his ears. When every song is about him and every shooting star is used on him. Every candle I blow and every dandelion I set free, his name is dancing around the left over smoke and pappus. But he sees me as nothing more than a friend. I want to look into his world and learn it. I want to learn every sound he makes and the reason. I want to be the reason his heart skips a beat or his cheeks turn pink. I want to have the same effect on him as he does on me. Seeing him walk through a door is enough for me to stand in awe at all of his beauty he holds. He doesn't know how enchanted he is. He doesn't know I've been in love with him since the first time he spoke to me. When he laughs at my joke or takes my side in an argument, I feel like I've won the lottery. When he chooses me between someone else or tells me my hair looks good today, I fall more in love. I didn't know love could feel so freeing and yet feel so imprisoned. The fear of losing what I have with him and the hope of him feeling the same way are pulling on each side of me and it's only a matter of time before it rips me apart. Until his looks at me with those brown eyes I've loved for 4 years, or until he laughs in the way that squeezes my heart, I will explode and blurt out every thought I'm typing right now. I will express everything I've felt since he first said "hello". And when I'm finished, I'll wait for his response in hopes he shares my heart's melody, in hopes he shares my brain's scriptures. I want to be there when he's away in his mind, when he's sad, when he's happy, when he's feeling every possible emotion. I want to be there when he turns over in bed, or when he comes home from work. I want to be the first and last person he speaks to. I want to be the one to hold him when he cracks. I want to patch him back up and make him feel safe. I want to be his sacred garden he goes to when he's hopeless. In the same way I want him to be there the world is too heavy upon my shoulders. I want him to kiss away every bad thought that creeps into my brain. I want him to wipe my tears when I'm hurt and need him more than anything. I want to call him in need of his arms, his chest, his soul, his heart, his every being in this cruel world to shoo away every dark cloud hovering over me. I want to kiss in the rain and slow dance in our kitchen at 3 am to Elvis Presley. I want to hold his hand when we leave this earth and reenter the heaven he introduced me to so long ago when we first met. But for now, I'll watch him with this weight on my back that grows every time my brain refuses to let my heart speak. I'll just be his friend that sits in the background while I watch him experience everything I want to save for him, to save all my firsts for him. Cause maybe, just maybe, he feels the same.