being chopped/ugly

i wanna start by saying THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT FISHING POST  this is me ranting about my experience.

now that thats out of the way heres my rant.

also, tw?

i hate being chopped/ugly/whatever tf you wanna call it. i have a childhood bestfriend and a bestfriend. for the storys sake i'll call them sadie and maddie (not their actual names) maddie has been my friend since kinder, we are in 7th. i kid you not, since the 5th fucking grade when ever we go out she gets a boys number. she complains about being asked out every week and being crushed on. same for my friend sadie. 

i dont wanna hear the "oh your in your awkward phase" im not. im not awkward at all. i befriend or click with almost anyone i come across. 

i think a reason why im not one to be crushed on or complimented at least once every 2 weeks is because im a curvy-ish girl. im the slightest bit chubby. im a 36 B, 5'5ft, and around 145 lbs. not skinny but not super chubby. im not skinny. i think thats why.

i also dont wanna hear the "your emo so thats why" i was basic for a while until i gave up because i wasnt getting a brink of happiness. and im talking lululemon basic.

TW

i remember putting in a suicide note that i cant stand looking the way i do, having the body i do. its always been a struggle, i hate my looks, i hate the only reason i get crushed on is because of my personality, i hate that no matter how much i try i will never be beautiful. i hate it. accepting im ugly was one of the hardest things i have ever done. i sometimes wonder what i did in a past life to be cursed with such a ugly face and ugly body. i see the beauty in everyone but myself. im a firm believer that everyone is beautiful, but everyone does not include me. im just me. everyone includes you, her, him, them, it. 

accepting that having a crush will hurt me in the end and be selfish for the one i want was also very hard. i know im young but i truly think there isnt anyone for me. i feel like whoever i will date would be selfish of me because they could have SO much better, and they want better and i am holding them back. because of that, i truly think i will die alone.

thank you for reading and remember, you matter.

xoxo scarletta may <3