losing neurons

"i’m staring at the wall, lost in the weight of existence

my mind is overflowing with questions, and i think that’s why everything slips away from me lately. every small lesson i’m meant to learn, every memory i try to hold, every moment —trivial or important— dissolves into the void of my mind. i long to speak of everything swirling inside me, to never forget, to never stop, because there’s always one more thing to say, the ink of our lives still wet. but talking about everything isn’t possible, and that terrifies me; am i really going to die like this ? dying with questions, confusion, glances that were wrong, silences too long, words too few. i wish i could die relieved, but would that even be human ??? regrets and desires are carved into me, and i don’t know if time will ever smooth them away. is finding peace really this hard ?? i feel like tearing out all my neurons just to fumble over trivial thoughts like these

in the end, my soul never finds rest"

thats something i wrote lately (in frensh so i just translated it in english) when i couldnt stop thinking so... now i dont really know how to feel about this but yeah