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⚠️TW for mentions of The Nasty (no details, just the concept in regards to society) family issues, and an offhand remark about racism 🚧
Does anyone else's dad BEG them to get out and fuck someone? Just me?
He says I'm in college so I should have fun. I am having fun, I'm just not having sex and getting boys, because I don't want to. I tried dating, mainly for him, but it didn't work out, I don't have those feelings. I ended up breaking a few hearts and feeling the guilt all because I wanted to try and be "normal" for once. Cishet normativity kills.
I was thinking it's kind of weird, the way he thinks. He's got people down to a science, or so he says. For instance, the only reason people compliment my butch type style is because girls like to see me dress less provocative, since it's less competition for them. It's all a damn game to him. And I know it shouldn't affect me since it's so wacky, but it does. For some reason all I want to do is appease him, I mean I've been doing it my entire life, so it's really hard to stop now.
But hey, if life really is a game and the way to win is getting a man and procreating in order to save the master race, (*solemn nod*😞) then I'm probably gonna "play" it like I played Tears of the Kingdom. (Doing all the side quests and completely forgetting about the main story)
I personally think there are a lot more ways to have fun than sex. I definitely have nothing against with Those Who Fuck™️, more power to em, but it's never appealed to me. I am happy being celibate. The only reason I wish I was hetero and allosexual is to fit in. If people just let me be, and accepted me for who I was, I'd be a lot happier with myself.
And I should love myself, I have a lot of good traits (and, if you're reading this far, you should love yourself too, I'm sure you're better than you think.) It's a shame that I keep being pushed away from being my true self because of this guy alone. If I was alone, I'll assure you, I'd be the town eccentric, I'd go all out!
But wait, idea!
My reasons for not doing just that:
Unfortunately I got myself into a shit situation where I am financially dependent. Let's hope I can work it out.
I'm afraid. I'm a scared little Chihuahua under the couch. Wretched little thing. Yelling but not doing anything.
I'm off on my own for the fall, but his voice still haunts me. It berates me in my subconscious. Like shut up, you're not even here! Any idea how to get rid of that? Priest? Deal with the devil?
I love the rest of my family to pieces. I can't just leave my mom and sister.
But hey, any advice would be appreciated ಥ‿ಥ lemme know if you have something similar going on, if this resonated with you, or idk, even if you just have words of advice.
"👋 Sending virtual hugs to whoever needs them 🐶"
O.D.
Comments
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MiaBelle05
I can't send advice, bcs in a long while I was in the same boat.
For context, nowadays I identify as heterosexual and aceflux. However, to the time period of 13 to very late 18 I saw myself as aroace.
While I was in high school, I didn't like AT ALL the ppl I was sorrounded by. I was extremely closed to my best friends, and the rest?... i hope they exploded due to how terrible (manipulative, prejudiced etc etc) they weren't the type to even eat near normally.
Anyway, this time, my mother placed a lot of pressure on me to date any boy she approved and, conventionally, have sex at some point. Like, good idea, place a very hormonal teen with goody-too-shoes complex and a woman in her menopause period to discuss their visions of the world. The result? We fought a lot more than wanted. I got without talking with my mother for a month and so...
It was a very hard time for our relationship and basically all in my life was ass due to that.
It just changed due to her part and me finally finishing high school. She said that she would try to understand I am not an extension of her being and that I am just... myself.
To the everyday convinience, she's much more respectful. Sometimes she fails, like trying to make me watch very explicit movies, but ik she's trying.
anyways, sorry for the yap, just hope i have brought some comfort.
Evil Hi
ohhhh this is so real… i feel like i just pretend to play the game in front of the people i need to but in privacy i do my own thing in a way. like i act the part in front of them but in reality i do what i want and keep it hidden :,) i wish u luck man /3 this sounds so draining