blog 8/22: it's my birthday i guess! *confetti noises*

this year i decided to spend my birthday at home. the only thing that make it is special is that i have cake and we ordered pizza. 

i'm 18 now! when i was about 13, i remember wishing that i had i would be able to move out this house soon after i'm 18 - i remember wishing i had enough money saved to do that (somehow, even knowing i wasn't ever allowed to have a job). i remember wishing i had actual experiences with being in a relationship before i'm 18. i remember wishing that i could drive around and navigate life without anxiety before i'm 18. i remember wishing i had an actual social life with some friends before i'm 18. i remember wishing that there were people who would genuinely want to wish me a "happy birthday" who weren't just family relatives who feel obliged to say that to me before i'm 18. none of that has happened.

last year for my birthday i went to one of my favorite restaurants. after all of that, not only i started wishing for pizza but i also became sad and disappointed. i got reminded of how lonely i am- even in my own family i'm lonely. my cousins and my aunt didn't even want to come to the dinner. i had to sit with the sadness, the disappointment, and familiar loneliness that i feel everyday.

today i sit with those feelings, but at home so i don't spoil a special dinner that my family took the time to go with me too. happy birthday to me, i think