the feeling of being loved

i have a boyfriend, but i feel like i get weirdly possessive over him at times?? at least emotionally so - i think about the possibilities that he would have liked or considered others over me, and i get into a state of panic that isn't good at all. it doesn't help that this feeling pops up so often, too, and as much as I try to find remedies for this both online and offline, nothing works. 

most of them suggest the option of detaching completely, so that i won't be hurt. but for me, to love is to feel deeply, and indifference is the complete opposite of love. 

to be completely detached of someone and to not care if they end up caring for me or not is unlike me at all; if i were to feel that way, it would only mean that i don't care about them anymore. the same goes for my current relationships; to me, ignoring someone is indifference towards them, and i have a freakout if i feel like i'm experiencing as such. it really sucks, and i know that it's normal; but to this extreme? no way

i do feel that this is linked to how i've had my experiences with relationships (both platonic and romantic) in the past. while i know that my boyfriend loves me and wants the best for me, a huge part of me, especially my body, can't help but remember a pattern that i've experienced time and time again. to others, i'm okay. however, there will always be other people better than me. and because i'm not good enough, i am instead subject to things like public humiliation, stalking, and so much more. 

i hate how this feeling is reinforced when having intimate relationships with others. i know that the people i'm the closest to now won't ever hurt me, but my brain feels like it constantly reminds me of the patterns, and that they'll treat me the same too. it hasn't happened yet and it won't, but if it does, i don't think i'll ever be able to live with myself at night knowing that i allowed it to happen to myself again. 

i identified a similar pattern to this earlier with one of my ex friends, but i was happy that she left me alone instead of making fun of me in public. it's the bare minimum, but i think i've been too scared of it happening again.

i know i deserve to have a good life too regardless of how good i am as a person, but i can't help but continue to feel like i need to be good enough to be deserving of things, just like how i was taught from young.

i just want to feel loved and know that i'm good enough to be loved man, i know i'm told that more now but i feel like my body's constantly on watch in case this happens again. it sucks, i just want it to calm down and accept that i'll be fine