birthday blues

my birthday was on the 11th. it's been weird ever since i cut contact with my mom. today, at my dads house, he gave me a package my mom sent to me. (i never gave her the address to my apartment, so she can only really communicate with me through my other family). it was a box of old garfield memorabilia, a card, a souvenir keychain from Hollywood CA, and a note. i brought the package back yesterday, but i didn't get a good look at it until i got home today. it's only really sinking in right now. the card says some vaguely christian stuff, and she had my asshole alcoholic uncle (who she's dating-- long story) sign it. i don't know what came over me, but seeing her handwriting and the gifts and my piece of shit uncles signature ruining my birthday card just broke me. 

i love garfield, have since i was a kid, but every gift she gets me just reminds me that we will never have the relationship we once did. like her perception of me, my likes, my interests, are all permanently stuck in 2019. and i'll never see her as she used to be, only the terrible person she became.

the magnet is the real icing on the cake. its a picture of garfield kicking an old computer that says "have you BOOTED your computer today?" it almost feels like parts of our current selves can still seep through the time capsule we're both permanently trapped in. it's almost funny.