connection is dying

When I was in high school, I remember having a conversation with a friend about who we'd like to keep in contact with after we graduate. He said his people, I said mine, but deep down I knew eventually it'll be hard to keep most of these people around. And this conversation happened before Covid 19 hit my school.

Every since the pandemic I think the world has changed completely, sure we recovered from the virus, but the way in which we socialize has changed. This isn't about how covid damaged society, it's about my ever increasing struggle of maintaining or creating connections with people. 

I've never been much of an online person but I think half of the world mostly operates online, which has led to all my friendships being online since no one meets in the same place anymore. People come and people go, it's part of life. 

But damn, no one could ever prepare me for how lonely life can get. I used to call some of my friends often, now no one has time or energy anymore. No one hits me up, unless I'm the one to do it first, and don't get me started on how often I've been left on read. But hey, it isn't completely bad, sometimes i do see my friends. Sometimes we do go out and have fun and do whatever. But that's very inconsistent, it happens either once a month or when there's a holiday coming up for a week.

I can only count on one hand the people I can consistently talk to, and i'm grateful for them, but they are not always there. Only sometimes. 

I'm not saying all this because I need attention or some bullshit, there are just times where it gets so lonely and quiet that my mind starts wandering into places I don't like. I think back at moments where I could've been more, or less. Poeple I could've done more for, or done less. Fights that should've never happened, or fights I should've taken. And especially, people that I miss and lament over. 

Some of them I can always just text, but few of them I don't know where they are. I miss people I shouldn't even be missing. And people I want to meet in the future, people I haven't met, yet I miss them. The person i want to fall in love with, where are you? The love that has yet to knock on my door, are you coming soon? 

I can't seem to grasp it, I feel like everyone is slipping away, and new people i try to talk to don't put the effort I put into them. I'm slipping.

But hey, I understand not everyone has the time or energy. People are busy, people work, I work too just so you know, I get the satisfaction of coming home to your bed after a long day or work. 

In fact, sometimes i love the alone time. The other half of me contradicts all I've said, because I've been in the mindset of not wanting to be bothered. Sometimes i don't wanna be hit up, sometimes I don't wanna talk to you, sometimes i won't answer yor call. It's nice having all this me time, I don't want to be burdened by some drama I don't care for, I don't want my time taken from me just to appease you with something. 

Maybe some of you feel that way? Are you that side of the coin? Are you more for people or less for people? Do you wanna make an effort for your friends or would you rather just stick with yourself?

I guess it depends on the mood, huh? Sometimes I want some noise, sometimes I like the quiet.

But lately it's been too quiet, I'm more on the side of yearning. 

I'm not writing this to look for a solution or an answer, it's just what I've been feeling lately. What would the answer even be? Just talk to them if you miss them? Sure, I'll ask em what's up for then to be left on read or the conversation runs out in 6 texts. 

Sorry, I know I sound like a brat but it's true, I wish it wasn't this hard to talk to people. I wish I always knew what to say or how to keep them around without it feeling like I'm pushing or trying too hard. Maybe a balance is good, like just text people sometimes I guess, and only the ones that truly matter stick with you. 

I'm also writing this here cuz I know it won't reach anyone, I'm as lonely in the world as I am online. No one is gonna hear me, no one's gonna read this, no one's gonna give a shit about me. I'm just another easy scroll online without giving someone a second thought, I am a passenger. 

But hey, if someone did read this, thank you. We will prolly never meet, which makes my whole thing about connections worse, but you are not obligated to give back anything. 

I hope you make good connections, and if you already have some, cherish them. Be the chain that pulls others into your presence, make that effort. Spread your love with those friends. Only those who deserve it though, don't just give your energy to anyone. But stay connected, this world is getting worse and you don't need to end up alone.

What will truly make life feel alive is when you share the joy of life and memory with people, your connections. So don't be a stranger, be the reason someone smiled today. 

I know I'll keep continuing to be that reason for someone :)

Forever yearning - rxndomized