Ranting about my mom

(CW!!: some mentions of abuse) 

I wouldn't say I hate my mom, but I don't love her either. I just tolerate her so I won't be disowned, or something. She obviously hasn't mentally matured past being bratty and childish, and it shows in some situations. She always wants things to go her way only, and she makes a big deal about my smallest mistakes. She also always swears she's right about everything, even though she's wrong most of the time. She's always so interested in talking about herself, but she looks so uninterested whenever I mention anything I did during the day. She's so draining to be around. She makes me feel overly guilty about the tiniest things. Whenever I piss her off, she says I'm "selfish" and "ungrateful," but I constantly thank her for everything she does for me. She just doesn't listen. Whenever she does that, I seriously consider hurting myself or worse, just to make her be the guilty one for once. I don't like talking to her about anything related to myself. She critiques me harshly and never takes my feelings into account. She's also super intrusive about my personal life. She used to randomly ask for my phone and go through it, but she finally stopped when she couldn't find anything to complain about. That was also one of the rare times that she apologized to me. The random phone search days were the thing that made me lose trust in her. "Why don't you trust me? You know you can tell me anything!" You made my stepdad and my older brother beat me until I could barely move because I hid something from you on my phone. You sat on the couch and watched with a smile on your face, even eating popcorn like it was some funny movie. This happened years ago, but I still haven't gotten over it. It still sends me into a borderline panic attack whenever I think about it for too long. She says she did that because she loved me and wanted me to learn not to lie. If anything, that made me lie about things even more. If she loved me, she wouldn't have done that. She doesn't know that she's 90% of the reason why I'm the way I am now. I used to be so outgoing and talkative when I was little. Now I'm just constantly anxious and quiet, expecting to be yelled at and hated for everything I do. She made me lose my confidence. I try my best for her, but it's never enough. I'm always on the honor roll every year, but she still compares me to other people and calls me mediocre. On top of this, I get sexualized by her, and she expects the worst to happen to me whenever I step outside. This has made me feel the need to hide in my room and rot away instead of enjoying the fresh air and sun. Whenever I tell her I want to go for a walk, or do something in public that doesn't require her supervision, she always mentions that I'm gonna get kidnapped and trafficked. She doesn't think that I take these things seriously (but I actually do), and she's implied that she hopes it happens to me so I can learn my lesson. She makes me sick. Almost everything she's done to me has broken me down in some way. I'm trying to improve myself and become the best me. Blogging on here helps me a bit. I'd add more to this, but I had to take multiple breaks while typing this because I kept crying. I needed to let it out, anyways. I know probably no one's gonna see this, but thank you for reading, if you did. Goodbye. ♡

XOXO, Shaylee (´;︵;`)