i dont wanna do anything

i hate life. i hate how im expected to do stuff. i wish i could just live without any responsibilities. everything is just way too much for me

i can barely even bring myself to eat sometimes, wdym i gotta do my schoolwork and then i'll have to get a job at some point (prob about two months from now, 14th birthday is on oct 11, 14 is legal working age here, and i gotta start working asap so i can get the hell out of here the second im able to) and one day i'll have to like pay taxes and shit

im just a kitty!!!!!! wdym i gotta do things???? i can barely even get up in the mornings!!!! Im just a kitty!!! i should be sleeping and napping and playing all day!!!!

genuinely i dont wanna grow up, i dont even wanna live, everything is just way too much and it makes me wanna die

i have no motivation to do literally anything

my mom has started buying me diet coke when i do my schoolwork, which i guess helps a little bit, but not much

its like i literally cant do anything

i'll just be scrolling through social media and i'll remember i need to do my schoolwork but then i just dont do it and i start thinking oh my god im a lazy piece of shit and crying and stuff instead of just doing my damn schoolwork

like i literally cant bring myself to do what i need to

what the hell am i gonna do when i become an adult

i was thinking of maybe doing commissions bc im good at art and stuff but im so lazy it takes me forever to finish a piece, i def couldnt make much money off that, i'd be so trash at it 

im gonna need to get some kind of job though, im going to need money

i wanna go up north where its colder and actually snows (barely snows here, only experienced like 2 snows in my life, and whenever it does snow it shuts like EVERYTHING down bc folks around here dont know how to deal with snow)

i wanna be away from all my trash family so i can actually live as myself and not have to deal with my parents constantly screaming at me

i miss when my parents neglected me, i actually knew how to do things myself and i had so much freedom and like i didnt even know i was being neglected, yeah my parents barely talked to me and didnt monitor me like at all but like i still sometimes spoke to them and they said they love me and stuff and i felt loved 

now i cant do anything and i get screamed at whenever i do anything even slightly wrong (mostly by my mother, my dad used to scream at me a lot but he's actually gotten a little bit better about it lately so like thats something good i guess????)

i honestly felt more loved back when i was being neglected than i do now 

funny how that turned out

im just kinda scared for my future

its like im incapable of doing anything productive

i legit cant actually put effort into like anything

but i know i need to 

im gonna need money, im gonna need lots of it

and to get money im gonna need a really good job

which means i need a good education

which means i gotta do a LOT of schoolwork

and then once i do get a really good job im gonna need to put effort into that and

the thought of it makes me cry

i dont wanna do anything

i cant

im utterly fucking useless

maybe mom is right lol

maybe i am just lazy