Letting someone in

"Cause the more people you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out." -Lara Jean

The fear of letting someone in and being abandoned when you're most in love has haunted my every being. I want to love loudly and consistently. But it seems that's not the idea anymore. I was once in love with a boy. I would've given him the world and more. He was everything I wanted in a person. He made me laugh, made me feel pretty, but most importantly, made me feel seen. He made me feel like I was wanted, a feeling I was new to. With months of connection and shared secrets, in seconds that was all taken away from me. I was at my most vulnerable when he left me. I made constant excuses to justify his sudden flee. "We're just kids, he didn't mean to hurt me." "Maybe he had something going on in his life that he was shielding me from." "Maybe he needs to better himself first and then he'll come back." All these words and justifications, but yet he knew I cried for weeks, he knew I was in love, he knew I was broken and hurt. Yet he still laid his head on his pillow every night peacefully and dry while I was on mine in destruction and tears. I read back every message ever sent by the both of us. Pictures, videos, calls. Now all distant memories. The sound of his laugh, the way he moved his hair out of his eyes, the way his hand would touch up my arm to my cheek, the way he looked at me with his dark blue eyes. But what haunted me the most, was the way I begged him to stay. The constant plea and desperation in my last messages to him. How could I do that to myself? Revealing this story is for me to discuss the fear of letting people in. I haven't dated anyone since and refuse to get even an inch close to the way I felt that night. I push people away when I know I should be reaching for help. I'm just too scared to get hurt again. I don't want to cry again, I don't want to beg again, I don't want to hurt again. The fear of abandonment is accompanied by the fear of judgement. I would say I am a very outgoing person and try to be more extroverted. But I still feel a stab in my stomach when I think of letting someone in and them judging me or wondering why they chose me. I guess it could also be called insecurity. A mixture. Living in a generation where love is now presented as "corny" or "embarrassing" is definitely not for the weak. "Talking stages", "3 month rule", "wyll", "what's your snap". Can we just drop social media standards and love the way we want without trends telling us how to live and love. I'm ranting a tad here I'll bring this to an end, but to anyone reading this, you are worth love and you are wanted. <3