The hell we call school

School starts Friday for me, and I’m losing my mind. Like, might just ball my eyes out. I can’t find any advice for what to do for people like me. I’m going into senior year with a terrible GPA and being forced to finish my credits online because my physical and mental health issues made it so I was absent and barely turning in work in past years. I’m hoping I can schedule to get my 504 plan revised within the first few days because of my autism diagnosis (yay). Not like it will even make a difference at this point, but I’ve been advised to do it still so there’s a record of it if I pursue higher education. I’m not even sure if I will continue my education, but that’s a whole different issue I need to decide on asap. 

Last year, I was in my career center’s business program. I only applied for it because I felt doomed to not be able to make it through college and would be stuck in a desk job (so I at least wanted some certs to be ahead of the game). But, after I got in and my sophomore year went on, I really started to like the idea of going into business and doing what no one else would. I was SO passionate about starting a non-profit or just doing anything to help communities in need. For the entirety of my junior year, I was working to try to create a business for the disabled community. I saw it as fulfilling my dream career. But as it does, chronic illness kicked my ass and put me back in my place. I struggled miserably the whole year. How the career center is set up where I live is that juniors go for the first half of the day, then return to their home school for their core classes for the rest of the day (seniors are vice versa). I LOVED those first three hours I spent in my business class, but I couldn’t keep up with the work for the life of me. I didn’t mind the work itself, but it was 3 hours worth of work for the average person, which means 6 hours for me. I have ADHD and I’m autistic, which means for me that I take waaaaaay longer than everyone else. I process slowly, work slowly, and in general am slower. I learn differently. I sit in class, then look around and realize I’m behind, but have NO FUCKING IDEA how everyone else got it done so fast. So, despite loving the class, it was clear that it just wasn’t gonna work. I was so desperate to make it work because I had never enjoyed being at school, and that class made me like school! So, like the idiot I am, I stayed in the class all year and let it tank my GPA. Sometime in May, I had a really bad flare and was out of school for a while. That was the final straw. I couldn’t go back to that class with how much I missed. There were a lot of tears as I accepted it. I was so certain I had finally found my path, and there I was forced to take a step back and wonder if that was really it. And now I’m lost again. I was upset the whole year as it became apparent that AI was becoming a big thing in the business world. The teacher talked about it like it were a great thing. She used it herself and encouraged us to use it. Eventually, she made it part of the assignments to use it. I silently lost my mind over it, but I couldn’t just sit there and argue. I could go on and on about that class, but the point is, after my flare forced me to reevaluate if this was the path for me, I decided it wasn’t. Despite every bone in my body wanting to find a way to make it work.

I want to add more about my uncertainty about my future and higher education, but I need to go to bed now. I’m helping move my sister back into her dorm tomorrow, so I probably won’t be updating it then, but I’ll bring my laptop and try to find time. Good night for now, sillies. <3