My Boring Life.

I went to my friends house before, I didn't ever think that it would be the last time. Heck, I'm surprised I became the back up friend. I’m really a nobody now. 1 online friend, 2 real friends, and 2 exes. No first kiss, one first date, and I’m still craving love. As an introvert, I think it's hard to find that stuff. Or just friends in general. They always say that if a person has no friends it means they’re the problem. Yet, I sit here and wonder what did I do? Maybe I have shitty humor and low social skills, or maybe it's the fact that I’m so annoying and boring. It’s to the point where I drain anyone else's energy just from hanging out with me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I wish someone would tell me what's wrong. I’d take anything.

I didn’t skip classes, I tried working hard on my grades, I became nicer.

Ok, that last one could be a lie. I think this year really reopened a part of me I used to hate. Back in 2020, I became lonely and got really depressed. No one helped because a 10-12 year old should be dealing with that and it was ‘just a phase’. That's what people saw until I started cutting, eating less, talking to older guys online, my grades were C’s, D’s, and F’s. 6th grade was absolute shit. And I feel that coming back. This whole summer I have laid in bed, sleep, phone, and then up all night. I eat one meal a day and I find myself hating to eat and perform regular hygiene. I don’t brush my teeth, change my clothes, or shower at least once every two days. I only step outside for the store, throwing out trash, or when my mom forces me to.

It’s like, you know when you have no purpose but you yearn to live?

I think that's what it is. I want to live life and actually be normal, have friends, hang outs, parties, and even school clubs. Seeing people post on instagram with their friends makes me so jealous, I want people to be as miserable as me. But at the same time, I only want people to understand me and to help me get out of this hole I put myself in. I shouldn’t have to beg people. I’d feel like a dog. Which is why I deactivated my account for the millionth time, no one cares. BUT YEAH.

I’m also starting to question my mental health. I have no money or the balls to ask my mom if I could get diagnosed. And I hate when people self diagnose but I am going insane. Maybe. I’ve been reading more and more about Borderline Personality Disorder, things are slowly adding up. I know it could  just be puberty or wtv but as I read into it, this has been my life since I could remember.

I mean, I did have a therapist when I started 1st grade all the way to 3rd but I find it hard to truly vent to people irl, like wym I’m going to have to tell a random therapist “hi so um I don't remember anything past 6th grade. My dad passed away when I was 5. My mom is an alcoholic and I took care of her since I was young. And after I turned 10, I would cry all day and stay in bed. I started having an ED to the point of my ribs showing and I hated the smell of food. I had a bad self harm issue. One day I'm angry, the next minute I'm happy or can’t feel a thing. Oh and to make things better, I'm hypersexual and I use porn to make my emotions feel numb especially when I'm sad. I hurt myself after anything minor, I cry at every little thing. But sometimes I can't cry. I get angry quickly. I shut down fast. I sleep away my problems. I slap and punch myself. I pull my hair. Scratch myself.”

See, as a person who wants to do psychology.. If I heard that, I’d think that there is something very wrong. But at the same time, I feel like I’m faking everything. Like my life isn’t that hard and maybe I’m just being dramatic. Idk.

Anyways, thank you to whoever read this booooooooriiiiiiing vent. Bye bye to my blog ;3

- m4riii