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Honestly all I want right now is for a grown man to pop my cherry while it's still illegal. I can't help but feel like my time of being someone potentially desirable is about to end. I don't want to be an adult, I'm not fit for being an adult. Literally every single person that's ever shown interest in me beyond friendships have been attracted to me because I was young and childish and way smaller than them. Of course, I'm not gonna just stop being any of those things the moment I turn 18, but it's obvious that the charm will be gone.
When I think of myself in the future, as a grown woman in her late twenties with a job and all the requirements, I can't picture myself happy. I can only imagine a pathetic and lonely woman with eye bags deeper than the fucking ocean, already given up on trying to be pretty and barely scraping by with whatever job I had to settle with. Because God knows that I won't even manage to get through the first year of college, I can't even be up to date with my highschool homework.
And I'll just live like that until I'm too old to work anymore. More hours at work than of sleep, the rest of them spent with my phone, laying on my bed and occasionally looking away from the screen to stare at the ceiling. My friends and I will probably see each other once every couple of months, because everyone is too busy with work to have time to be a person, a real person. And when we meet, I'll just smile and nod and do a fake chuckle every once in a while because nothing has happened in years and I have literally nothing to say.
Never kissed, never dated, never wed and never bred. If I'm lucky, a person or two will remember that my grave exists and is somewhere out there. Maybe I'll be one of those relatives that no one knows is dead until months later because no one has thought about them in a long time and no one bothered to go looking for them.
I want to be cherished, I want to be seen as something precious. But I already had my free trial of that during the first handful of years of my life. Tenderness and gentle hands is something meant for kids, wanting them back as an adult is greedy and laughable. I don't see why anyone would try to invest their time in a lanky, hairy and grown woman. They wouldn't gain anything from me, other than mediocre labour.
Maybe if I now nap really hard, I'll wake up and I'll be six again.
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✮ Janek ✮
Honestly i felt very similar when i was turning 18. I even recorded a blog video, documenting everything since im "still 17" as if i was going to pass away the second i turn 18. Well, im 19 now and i definitely overreacted. i like being 19 more than anything, its so cool! Like, i get to be independent and do whatever i want, but at the same time im still young and i dont have to know anything. For me, getting into adulthood was terrifying and i cried for being 12 again and redo my whole life. But damn.. being an adult is also cool as hell.
Yeah, I know I'm most likely overreacting. But come onnnn, no adult in my family or social class I know is all that happy ;-;
Also, the thought of being a mature adult woman and having a man MY AGE that is attracted to me BECAUSE I'm an adult woman... I don't know, it feels kind of gross and like something out of a completely different dimension. Even though it's the most normal and nice thing ever????
I know people can be both independent and loved at the same time, I've seen it, but I don't think that applies to me as well, I don't know if I'll have much to offer while independent.
No offense to adult women in the slightest, obviously, I admire them but I don't think I'll ever be on their level and I don't think it's really meant for me. Change better come RIGHT NOW >:[
by s0dabra1n; ; Report