Gender???

I thought I settled on the fact that I was cis, but today's outfit gave me this weird, semi-unfamiliar happiness.

I said in my first private diary post that i've been experimenting with my expression and i'll be getting an androgynous haircut done. So today I wore a chunkier sweater, a binder, denim shorts, and these super cute decorative glasses i found on Depop (gods, i love depop). I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't have to convince myself that i looked androgynous. It certainly made me feel something nice.

Like being a woman is good. But so is this. I like existing in the space between "woman" and "man" but I ALSO still like many gendered feminine terms. Like... I feel like I've always unintentionally existed in that nonbinary space as a more masculine woman (with an androgynous birth name for that matter!). It's SO hard to pick out what I feel I am when I don't remember my childhood and I can't identify my feelings very well.

But I also straight-up don't have to label it. I don't have to put a name to it. I can just be. But it's so hard to just "be" in a mechanical mind that needs me to find solutions and categories for everything, including myself.

Sigh. This is so hard. Maybe i'll discover something while using the different pronouns. Today is only one day in the infinite journey.

-Ghost