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I've much to do in the coming while. School is around the bend, so I have to write an essay to apply to my university. I'm hoping it goes well. I would like to propel myself forwards as much as possible. The best escape from suffering is to claw your way out, really.
I've been thinking a lot about my hardships, as is necessary for my essay, and so I think it would be nice to expel from myself a lot of the things I've been ruminating on, especially since it's not something I would tell my university.
I think the worst of it is the struggle with interpersonal relations. For my entire life, I've felt so disconnected from the people around me. I suppose a part of it comes from my upbringing - I wasn't really given much time of day growing up, and would often be left to feed myself and my sisters at a rather young age. Naturally, one gets into trouble a lot as an unwatched child, and it did attract me attention, even if it was never positive. I think this gave me a terrible complex into adulthood that I struggle to put into words. There's this overwhelming need for me to have people adore me, because I feel like people don't actually understand how good/smart/cool I "really am."
I am on the up, though, and have been for a few months in regards to this. I will never not be autistic, so I still have social disadvantages, but I can still strive to be a better person. I've been less callous, less cruel. I find my conflict resolution to be much more patient and rational than it was before.
Naturally, this doesn't fix everything. I've done great wrongs in my life. I've lost friends over the person I was, and even am. I want to say that it doesn't matter, and that life moves on anyways. But, why must the world be so cruel? Why must isolation rear its lofty head at any move I take? I can play my cards at trying to be a better person and the world will still discard me, time and time again. How could I not be bitter? To feel this great well of resentment and discouragement built within me... I cannot help it. But, I suppose I can help to cover that up and continue on.
I've had the thought for a while as well that the people that have parted from me, between ex-lovers and old friends, only found me useful and not so much of real value. It's even been a trend with my family. I've started to feel like my actual value as a human being starts to deteriorate when I open up and become vulnerable to the people around me. How could I not? I am only as useful as my own support extends. I am only as useful as my resources I give. To share my sorrows - it is only ever spat back to me as a burden.
Logically I know this is wrong. I know that to share your hardships with a friend is a great thing - it shows your trust, and helps you through your need. But, I also feel like too many people are awfully aloof to the people they consider to be close. My last relationship had ended over a refusal to communicate and consider boundaries. Another recent friendship I had was ended over something I ultimately was trying to fix, but had no voice in. It just feels like when my usefulness runs out, I am dead weight, and deeply undesirable. No matter how much these people lift me up in my life, and I try to give back, it ends in such bitter ways.
At this point, I feel cynical. Why should I open up to other people? Why should I trust that the people around me actually care? Why should I bother putting myself out to make friends in the first place? It's a deeply unhealthy thought pattern I've found myself stewing in after so much has happened to me. And I don't want to be like this. I want to be a good friend. I want to love. I want to share my joys.
I guess that's why I'm writing this now, so that I don't have to worry about burdening people who do not want to engage with it, and so that I don't have to worry about my internal monologue becoming more toxic by suppression.
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Kadaveranzug
Just fyi - I asked you something and replied to your response under my first comment but I got no idea if you will see any notification for that. Hence I am the comment’s OP and there’s only one reply button so idk if it actually reached you instead of hanging in the void… I never was in similar situation before. let me know for the future if you were notified about that whatsoever as it’d actually be nice to know
Kadaveranzug
Huh, internet a small place. I have no idea how I ended up here browsing through entries randomly but I think I remember you as the guy from Art Fight and tumblr looking through your profile?
Either way, I can’t express how much of a familiar thing it is to me, basically each part of this post. I decided to share my two cents as it seems like you needed reassurance of it not being something you are alone in (and by no means I want to cloud over your vent by that). Especially the „discarded by the world” part. I can’t help but come to conclusion that there’s something fundamental about me that makes it impossible for me to connect with people in any shape or form that isn’t just me doing something selfless and the person taking it without giving anything back. We probably perceive the world a bit differently, as I do not have inherent desire for friendship as an aplatonic and neurodivergent person but it doesn’t change that aplatonicism is largely misunderstood and ostracized socially.
I might not want to have friends but it doesn’t change that I care about people and empathize with them deeply… I am still capable of companionship and a lot of people have simply exploited that quality of mine. I still am able to care about and for people even if our relationship may remain more vague rather than fitting the box of a friendship, but despite that they always have considered me as not worth of even any kindness or interest whatsoever even the moments I was able to stay in touch with someone for over a couple of days, often implying I „seem hostile/creepy” despite me not having any ulterior motive behind simply trying to do a small act of kindness or to help someone out when they asked for it. I’ve been also countlessly kept around just as an useful pest to be exhausted until I got nothing to offer. Because of this I largely have withdrawn from any at all interactions (with small exceptions like this moment I am writing this comment) and came to similar conclusions ultimately of it simply not being worth to do anything for people most of the time. I have accepted the life in isolation, and as a person who already lives a hermit lifestyle in literal sense of that word it wasn’t so hard to achieve. I am aware that I am just unfit for being an active part of society and it would require me to subject myself to catering to neurotypical expectations to change that - which I feel is enough against my core self that I’d rather stand solitude than becoming a shell of myself. Better to live one day as a crippled lion than a century as a lion dressed up into sheep’s clothing and forced to graze on grass and baa like the rest of the flock I guess.
It doesn’t help that as a sufferer of BPD I feel like I am way too much of maintenance and way too dissatisfied with 99% of social dynamics others find appealing to even bother (even though I manage my behavior to display as little outbursts as I can). I don’t want to be someone’s quasi-friend anymore just to prove that neither of us are able to connect in a way that is equally meaningful for each of us and I have willingly chosen to be alone despite the hardships of no support. Besides that, I have felt invisible for the most of my life anyway, that eerie kind of feeling of people not even being able to perceive me most of the time even if I speak up or get involved. It’s almost as living a life of a ghost in world full of living and because of that, the energy I can use for others has come very limited eventually. I am not closed off to simply talk with people occasionally but because of this exactly I rarely start conversations - the fundamental disinterest and off-putting feeling my presence brings to others.
My point is not to discourage you from pursuing what you need though despite sounding absolutely cynical lol, and I do wish you to be able to have the sorts of connections aligning your natural needs. And I absolutely don’t want to apply my standards onto you by sharing any of this - as much as I just wanted to show you a broader picture and the depth of the understanding I try to show.
I want to also tell you, as I’m almost certain that you are indeed the person I know from those other sites - that I care. I often thought about your art even when I didn’t interact and for me to do so isn’t simply limiting to the product of someone’s creativity but also the person who’s done it, even if I do not know you at all. I might not be a person to ever get close to or whatever but I do remember everyone I’ve came in contact with and I will definitely never forget that I could do something for you that you’ve come to be happy about receiving. I am not involved with you but I perceive you, I am not indifferent (and if I was, I would not try to give you space to talk about something dear to you in my reply even if you did not choose that opportunity which is ok). Call it whatever but it’s simple as that, empathizing. You are not discarded by everyone, or at least not me it seems. Hopefully this is not way too long or tmi whatsoever but it’s honest.
Oh yes I forgot to mention this but I’d also like to say, even if you shouldn’t go against your nature, maybe you could find some of said peace in not letting the social expectations around friendship affect you more than it should, too? Society’s pretty hard on friendless people, autistic people, people who have social difficulties in general. And I think because of that it’s good to stop by and letting yourself just do whatever feels natural instead of trying to cater to some image. Interact when you want to. Don’t push it when you really need alone time. Things as such.
by Kadaveranzug; ; Report
This is incredibly thoughtful of you, genuinely. I wrote this at a time by which I was struggling from a very recent falling out I had - something that I am still having trouble with. I think your response put into perspective for me a lot of things. While I may not be fully aplatonic, I think I do need to stop trying to stretch myself thin by giving too much or greeding for numerous platonic relationships when I am already by default a bit aloof anyways. Having a good reference point by which a more solitude driven lifestyle actually works out for someone is rare to see, especially in a society that is allistic-majority... but I think it is a very important thing to see that you can have fulfillment even outside of the scope of allistic-centric social mores and conventions. I think that, in time, I will probably find more opportunity to get more self-fulfillment that isn't contingent on others - or rather, the idea that having more people around me is the only way to be fulfilled.
And - I cannot stress this enough - it touches me to know that not only do you remember my artwork but you also reached out to me with something this honest and vulnerable. I appreciate it greatly. Know that I still look at the beautiful work you've made for me and even sometimes reread the paragraphs you've written to accompany it.
Take care.
by rodya; ; Report
I’m not sure if you’d receive any notification, I don’t really use this site much so hopefully it works lol… Anyway, it’s normal to grieve after losing someone important to you and I think you should give yourself time to mull it over. I don’t know the situation intimately but even though nobody can be replaced, you could pour the feelings you have onto people who matter to you and still are around you - instead of wasting your time on something that cannot be undone utilizing it in some present way. I understand how devastating abandonment is, I really do as someone with BPD, but that’s what I can suggest being aware you do have other friends. I’m glad to hear too if I could give any sort of a broader image - it is indeed what I think is very toxic mentality in the society that quantity over quality of the connections you form is often times prioritized and while I absolutely understand the social needs most people have, I think it often leads to inability to enjoy what they already have in their lives. You don’t need dozens of friends to be still loved and appreciated in a meaningful way. As I said I am aplatonic and recently discovered I might be entirely far-end of the spectrum (though to be clear I do not suffer from a disorder like schizoid PD to have this specific pattern of pathological-adjacent pattern of perception of connections), but it doesn’t change that I am capable theoretically to form meaningful connection (even if I do not foster any close ones here and now), even if by no means conventional as well as I am able to find people interesting despite no real attraction or desire to necessarily be their friend behind it. At some points of my life I even allowed people to call me a friend if that’d make them feel more happy and because I liked their presence even if felt no platonic attraction actually, a little bit like cupioromantic people allow to be poured romantic affections onto despite not being allo themselves. It is rare but it’s happened in my life before despite it not being an itch to scratch. Do you think you are anyhow on aplatonic spectrum tho, is your chase after more friendships more about your true needs or just self-esteem?
I’d like to clear up too that while my current lifestyle got me rid of a lot of drawbacks and nonsense that feels better than when I was trying actively to be more involved, it’s not ideal. I do not feel fulfillment on multiple layers and while I do appreciate the authenticity of it all, I do not want to put myself as some „example” or role model of perfectly happy lonesome person as I wouldn’t say that either, despite my lack of need to have an elaborate social life or live closer to the society lol. It’s just that because of my extremely complex needs I think the lesser evil is choosing solitude over chasing for something that is as rare as kyawthuite and getting tired on the way. Not to get into private details I simply don’t find the appeal in friendship and familial relationships at all on inherent level of my being (which is a good thing imo and benefits me) and instead have very narrow desires for a very very specific and hard to achieve sort of connection which is the very rare occurrence of me being capable of attraction. I mean it, it’s hyper specific and incredibly hard to achieve - it reaches degrees even more complex than the concept of a „favorite person” is for most other people with BPD I’ve met. I feel very despondent and lost about that fact and I do feel lonely and incredibly isolated in my struggles because of this, but it’s way different definition of loneliness than allistic people tend to feel about having no friends or a romantic partner. It’s near existential in its nature I’d say because all I need social-wise is that and would be entirely ok having nobody else in my life than this sort of a deep connection with one person - but there’s the trick, other than a hyperspecfic type of conditions and whatnot, I function similarly to a loveless aro/aplo and have a lot of internal struggle because of such, navigating my inability to enjoy any social connections most people are happy with even if I appreciate the presence of people who show me kindness in a different way. I also don’t interact out of my invention (even if I care about someone) often not for just the sake of my sanity, but because I was rejected enough times that I just don’t think I am able to work around it other than getting that crap lost - it’s like starting to find others more undesirable than they were much like I was shown to be undesirable by about everyone atop of every single interaction being stressful to me regardless of how long I know someone and even this requires a lot of effort to me right now (while as I already said I do care about people I am not even attracted to deeply!). Things got similarly harder after the death of the only people I felt a bit of connection towards. That said I’d like to emphasis that despite my „hermitry” being marked down by a lot of choices between the bad and the worse along just my natural tendencies, there do indeed exist people who are 100% happy with such states. Earlier brought up schizoid people often times feel fulfilled by the state of being unaffiliated with anyone and it brings them peace - but I don’t want to be insensitive either as this disorder is also very much so marked by struggle on other areas and like any other PD causes problems in life in other ways. I also appreciate that my nature allows me to pull it off somehow… I am aware that many other people than me can even get mentally ill from the sole fact of being isolated. I don’t feel like that, despite my hardships though, maybe at most just grew paranoid from nobody being there to watch my back somehow and having to organize and plan a lot more. Not want to put tmi again, but I try to show both sides of this medal and a much more nuanced way to look at this - there’s much more shades of grey to this between just being happy as a clam while being completely left alone and being only happy when with 50 friends. It’s a very very mixed bag to me. I am also never able to be concise because once I get hooked in I can write entire essays and I always feel the need to show the raw truth even if it can be misinterpreted as oversharing… hopefully it is comprehensible to you enough, because I do know that the ways I work can be confusing and eccentric in their nature enough for even me to be unable to convey it in words understandable for others sometimes. Thing is essentially that while I live authentic, I also am not a happy person whatsoever because of some aspects to my core self that I can’t do anything about and that largely center about needs I have no way of fulfilling… it’s almost like I can either fall silent completely or put my everything in with no in between. And while I can’t relate to any at all feeling of real pressure from society affecting me in the department of being pushed to crave what I do not naturally (which is a thing I actually like about my natural hermit tendencies!) - I genuinely hope you will be able to be true to yourself, whatever that is. I won’t serve as a model of a perfect life but I will as someone who just picked one of the possible ways to work with what life has put me with as a living aberration from what is „normal”. I will as someone who both benefits and suffers from one’s tendencies. I am neither a desperate type of a lonely person who craves a single bit of attention from anyone while he goes crazy nor am I a happy in his entire solitude schizoid-pattern hermit who doesn’t want any at all close/vulnerable moments in his life and finding discomfort in the sole thought of someone’s prolonged presence.
Hopefully this isn’t prying too much too but I think I remember you mentioned somewhere you are bipolar. Would you mind telling if you’re type I or II? I’m actually type I myself and it’s pretty interesting to see someone coming from the same/similar place in regards to your entry.
And I appreciate the sentiment on your end entirely either - I absolutely did not want to bring you discomfort with my presence whatsoever so it’s reassuring to hear. I appreciate hearing that from you as I do greatly appreciate to hear that you still find it meaningful to interact with art of my own even after months passing and even the rambling I have attached to it lol. It’s making me feel sort of seen? Especially from the angle of you having that acute interest over something I really wanted to personalize in regards to you. i don’t know how to express the degree of said appreciation but either way I hope that our initial contact did not put you at tension. I was very worried that because of the lengths I speak at and the high personal interest in your personal works you might have felt hemmed in by me which was never the intention. I do think your works are interesting and you grab my interest as a person but by no means I want to step into your space in a bad way while I expressed that then. If I ever made you uncomfortable accidentally at any moment, tell me what I can do not to unknowingly repeat that.
Take care, too.
by Kadaveranzug; ; Report
Ah, and I just noticed and would like to ask you something. Did you send me a friend request by chance? I think I saw it once I was writing my reply so I don’t know if you decided to take it back or if I just rejected accidentally
by Kadaveranzug; ; Report
Хлоя (Chloe)
Hey Rodya, absolutely keep clawing. University can pay off, it did for me. Sorry you endured what you did the first go around (I read your other post). Hope that this time will go your way. People on here are very kind, folks in the real world seem to often respond badly when men confide / show sensitivity. Life is very "solo" as a man offline. I think we all struggle with isolation (I assume that's why many people are here). What are you planning to study at University? Also thanks for the friend request.
I@mADW33B
I think I know where you're coming from. If not, just tell me, sorry. I feel the same way and think because I am having the same thoughts if "I should even try to meet other people, or can't I just be by myself." Around me, I feel just a disconnect from my friends and family because I think if I'm not being useful or entertaining to them, I feel like lost all my purpose. With that, most people I know won't care about my problems, but I sit there listening to theirs. If not, I am not being useful and a bad friend. I don't want to feel like I'm a problem to someone else if I tell them about my feelings. Even though I have those thoughts, I am just hoping that if I just focus on myself, maybe someone would care about me.
I know it's hard to find people who care about you and share your pain, but I try to be a placeholder for that person when they come. I'm thankful that I found you because I think we might understand each other.
It really is reassuring to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. I understand what you mean exactly and it is how I feel as well. The emotional labour in a lot of my relationships historically have been inequal, which seems to be the way you describe it too. That there's this expectation to be the perfect listener friend, but never given the opportunity to share your troubles with others.
I am also glad we have found eachother on this great wide internet. It is good to have friends.
by rodya; ; Report
Thanks, I'm glad that you chose me.
by I@mADW33B; ; Report