Is friendship dead in 2025 or am I crazy : Journal 009

08/18/2025
This is a mix of another Journal Entry and just my thoughts on the current era of how relationships and mostly friendships are like today. 

As of writing this, I cut off a friend. 
It wasn't an instant decision, but one that had been on my mind for quite some time after picking up on a few hints that maybe my Prescence wasn't fulfilling for him anymore. He didn't seem to have any joy for me as a person and was far more interested in comforting the 20 guys he was talking to on an app I wish I never told him to go on. When I needed him most, he seemed annoyed, bothered and bored; while I was there in the room cleaning up asking him to help, he was just too busy talking to some boy on his phone he met 2 days ago. I didn't say anything because he seemed happy so I let him talk about him, to him all day. I think that day was the biggest sign of his dis interest in me. I'm honestly not sure if it was me or just it was never meant to last this long. I had so many questions, but no one to ask for answers to them.

Today I asked a more recent friend of mine I met this year, for his opinion. I wanted someone to help me get some clarity and understanding on it. He gave me some very insightful answers. 

My friend lets call him Jake. I asked Jake very bluntly to give me his honest opinion and so he did very willingly. 
Jake knew about my friend I cut off who we'll refer to as Sam. Sam had approached Jake before when I first met Jake. It wasn't in that way, I'd hope not. Jake talked to him for a bit and they bounced a couple texts back n forth here and there, but never did they form any bond. When I discovered they'd been talking, I didn't say anything, but blindly took it as no more than my 2 friends bonding. I wish Jake told me about how he felt about Sam. Maybe in that moment on that day, I would've let him off earlier and I wouldn't have had to think about it this whole summer.

When Jake gave me his response, he told me about Sam. I guess he wanted to tell me earlier, but probably didn't want to interfere. I got a whole look at another perspective at Sam. It wasn't anything bad, but my gut felt uneasy. Jake had a feeling Sam was going in the direction I thought he was and I think I'm right. 

I talked with Jake over text and came to the conclusion that i needed to just cut him off. I had sent Sam a text about how I felt and he hasn't responded since. That was a month ago. He also unfollowed me awhile back so that was another sign. I guess the glue wasn't as strong as I thought. 

Unlike my previous ex friend whom, cut me off very differently and abruptly, Sam felt like a slow a gradual death of disinterest. I feel a lot more sad about it then compared to my previous ex friend whom she was the one who ended it and it was very instant. I guess I didn't expect to feel more sad about this friendship than there previous one who I felt I should've had more resentment for.

Reflecting now I can see it clearly and I wish I had said something earlier. I'm glad I had Jake to talk to, but now I feel even more lonely than before and more confused than ever. I'll definitely be thinking about it for a while. 

Socializing in todays hyper-digital hyper-isolating world
(some thoughts)

For the entirety of this decade it's infinitely harder to meet and connect with people than it was 15-20 years ago. Even in the late 2010s when everyone I knew got on Social media in highschool, I felt the disconnect happening. 

I'm deeply isolated like most other people I assume and wish that I could find people in real life to talk to. I'm not internet-pilled thankfully. I rarely go online and really only do these blogs and log on my letterboxd. I want friends and friends who aren't low-maintenance texting friends. I need to see people in real life. It's why I avoid finding online friends and such because thats isn't normal to me. Not to see people and physically see them in person just feels very wrong to me. Our connections shouldn't just be facecam and that's it or texting 24/7. With the rise in A.I and people becoming more fake online I can't trust these people. However the internet wasn't always like this back in the day. I still remember finding groups for city specific communities and websites that connected locals together exclusively so you could actually meet people irl. 

I wish it was 2008, 2010, 2012 again. Even though I was super young, I remember meeting people and talking to others felt much easier than today. Could've been my child-like bliss, but I do feel somethings changed. Especially where I live, everyone here is super individualistic. People talk about community, but I never see it. Everyone here stares at you for if you do anything that isn't following the norm of wearing exclusively lululemon and aritizia, openly talking in public, or saying helo/ giving a smile to people. I could just be seeing the wrong people, but I go around often and its everywhere. 

It's so bad I feel like whatever's left of the people I call my friends don't truly value me as much as I think they do. All of them are in relationships and I'm the only one single. Jake is single too, but he's got other shit going on. I wonder if something is wrong with me. Why does everyone want them but me. Sometimes I want to throw everything i've done for myself, my clothes, my 2000s lifestyle, my belongings and just conform. Maybe if I conform to the norm, what's expected than I'll get rewarded with what I want. 

Maybe if I look like everyone else I can blend in. I can fit in and find what I'm looking for. 

In a sea of average, will I find someone that has more depth than meets the eye?

Maybe it's not meant to be. 

Maybe

This is just how good it gets

Sometimes you just gotta accept it.

That you're different, but different doesn't always mean good.