Vent. (Tw: attempts)

I am crying incontrovertibly while writing this, it makes my head hurt.

There Is just so much I want to change in myself, and I could grip on these goals for dear life, I am never able to achieve them. It's like there is something that makes me unable to love anything in myself.

I hate everything, my face, my body, my personality, my mom, my dad, my reflection…

No wonder why my dad look so done when he see me.

I cannot count how many times I've tried to attempt and take my own life but not having the courage to. it may have been the fifth time this year.

And if only I was treated like everyone else life would have been so much better..

A big part of my depression and low esteem is because of school.

School hasn't started for me yet, but if something wrong goes again, i'd rather kill myself than to have to suffer from this any longer.

The fact that I thought that everything would be okay after I took a break from school is pathetic…

I cannot look at myself in the mirror without wondering "…how much time has it been since I was actually fine…? Did this actually started 4 years ago?.." 

I wish my depression could just go away like that and go back to fun and games, but sadly it doesn't work that way. 

Just remembering myself crying silently in the classroom, with nobody giving a fuck just make me realize that I cannot trust anybody anymore.

I'm helpless.

Anyway I hope you are all having a good day or night !