bad dog

First of all, hooray! Non-default colours! Also, maybe some proper punctuation?

Anyways, it's been a while. Hello to everyone, friends or not. I've been gone for a while, like I always do. I'll be talking about my thoughts, as always.

I'm beginning to think I might have some problems mentally. Nothing serious, just concerning to have. I've gotten into a cycle. A cycle that leaves me feeling empty everyday. It begins the same, wake up early for school, rush through the day while simultaneously feeling like time's moving as slow as it reasonably can, go home, have lunch, listen to the same list of songs, go to my classes, barely register anything, then come home for dinner, and end the day around 3:00 a.m. while listening to the same songs I always listen to. I can't say I'm exhausted. I'm moreover bored? Or maybe I've lost motivation. Each nerve in my body seems to be extra sensitive, as each joke about me feels inflammatory. I've been described as both over-thinking and over-sensitive to my parents by the school counsellor. I've been having more impulsive thoughts, and have tried acting on one. I feel disgusted in my body, and I can't help but want to destroy it bit by bit. I tried cutting myself, but I think the knife was too dull, as it only gave me a small scratch on my finger. I've begun hating my left eye, and have been wishing I was either blind in that eye, or that I stabbed it out. It drifts when I'm not focusing on something, which has caused ridicule from my friends. I don't like being what I am. I don't like being born male, and I don't like the feelimgs that coe with it. I've started developing feelings (again) towards a feeling friend, and it makes me want to disappear forever.

I think my parents just want me to have good marks, as the only reason they even wanted me to start actually going to the counselor was so that my marks wouldn't get affected. It'snot been affective. I feel exhausted from doing the simplest of tasks, and it feels like I'm becoming a burden. I nate feeling like that. I've always felt it, ever since being six, and it still feels the same. I wish that I was born something else, or was never here at all. Sometimes I wish that I didn't exist. It feels so disgusting being me. I hate it. I hate it all. I want every trace of me gone. Never to be seen again. I want an easy life. I hate having to suffer everyday from choices I was too young to understand.

 I live in an awkward zone of self hate. Too fearful to take action, and too fearful to ask for help. I try to tell my friends what I feel, but I feel so guilty afterwards. I just want them to know who I am truly, not the person I show them. When their eyes are on me, I look happy, but the second their gaze falters, loneliness and possessiveness takes over. I'm either distant or clingy, never just right. Never open. I feel as if the person I truly am is too disgusting for someone to unwillingly stumble upon. I used to have a friend in 3rd and 4th grade, and after contacting her last year, she said that I was always suicidal, either passive or not, that I do not know. I feel burdened to do anything. So many people all around. So many people having to carry the weight of their lives on their shoulders. Who am I to cause them more trouble? I am nobody. I am nothing in the grand scale of things. All my friends want me to get better, but none of them know how bad it truly gets. How difficult it feels to speak, and how I feel when they stop talking to me for the day, or for the rest of the week. I can only interest them in the little things I have to show that I exist, to show that I can have things above bare necessities. I want people to know me. To pity me for what's in my head. That feels narcissistic. I want love and comfort without having to work for it. When you look at me, what do you see? What keeps you from looking away? IS it because I'm too strange, or too typical? Do I please you enough? Am I enough for you? Or am I too much?

None of you look at me willingly. I refuse to believe it. All of you pity me. I'm tired of pretending that I don't notice. I notice everything from your gaze, to how you always pick others over me. Am I truly that bad? Why don't you say it? Does itfeel too immoral saying it, or do you think I won't be able to handle it?

I'm a dog that has been hurt before. I will always fear your raised hand, and will wait for it to strike down on me. That's all I know. That's all I was taught. To fear each hand that's raised around me. Each foot that's pulled back just enough to make it hurt for more than just a moment. I'm too skittish to accept your pets and love. I will die on the street I hate. ANd you won't know. Not for a while.