explaining my depression/vent

if someone cares, I have no friends on here i'm literally talking to a fucking void

 I feel like I might have sprinkled bits in my mess of a profile about my depression but I thought that's not enough and I want vent and explain it and write it down, I feel pretty good with myself since I feel like I explained it pretty well and it feels really cathartic writing it all down and venting.

so here we go, i'm depressed most of the time for a lot of reasons. one being i'm lonely as shit, it drives me crazy, I have no friends or social circle to ground me, all I have are my parents and they're the worse. they argue and accuse eachother of stealing stuff a lot, like cigarettes, weed, money, they're arguments are redundant and always the same it makes me feel like i'm going crazy, they have the worst marriage ever. I don't like the house I live in either, well it's a mobile home and it's like from the 60/70s so it's really old and some parts of it are so gross, a lot of the walls are missing. the floors look gross, my roof had a weird water thingy that was catching water that got fixed, I swear I was so scared of that thing bursting and ruining everything on my desk my room is actually one of the nicest parts of the house and I love it but the other parts of the house I just don't like and I get so jealous looking at other houses, especially newer suburban houses, like the other neighboring suburb houses that surround me. they were built in like 2005 and they're so nice. I remembering visiting one when they had old neighbors, my dad was friends with the neighbors and I would visit this old lady that lived there and show her stuff, it was really cute lol

my heads a mess with fighting thoughts, sometimes I have personality crisis it sucks and sometimes I feel really really insecure and other times I feel really really confident, sometimes I just, I don't feel like a person and sometimes I have very dark days where my depression turns to s4icidal ideation. I daydream a lot, (maladaptive daydreaming) about fictional relationships and being one of the two characters, crona and maka from soul eater or touko and yuu from bloom into you or mei and yuzu from citrus, I do it often like a crazy person because I fucking am, i'm so starved for love, I daydream about having a special person in my life and having a intense relationship with them, just someone that cares for me i'll imagine them cuddling me while sleeping and it helps but makes me sad too because I have to snap out of it. as for their personality, their personality is simple, down to earth, I can have serious conversations with them, they're laid back and silly, super affectionate, maybe a little weird. clingy like me, a friend or romantic partner idk just someone who cares for me while I care for them back equally. no one sided shit. someone to go places with here and there like the bowling alley or park, or just stay home and watch shows/play videos with, just having someone to fall back on and always be there for me to walk through this confusing thing we call life, having someone like that in my life would be heaven and i'd be happy forever. seriously I would. that's all I want in life.

my view on people isn't great, I really hate people but it doesn't mean i'm pessimistic in fact I always try to be optimistic but depression kicks my ass a lot. I only want one person in my life to care for, I don't care about politics and some would call me selfish for it, guess what I fuckin am, of course i'm focused on myself i've been through enough with life and I just want to be happy and loved before I die, life is too short and I won't focus on something that wont give me happiness. y'know I'd really love to find someone that wouldn't be put off by my "selfishness" and would enjoy being my number one person in my life, the only person I care for and for them to mutually love me the same way. I really just can't not stress it enough how much I want to have a sister in my life. I don't think i'll find someone like this and I feel incredibly delusional. I've fantasized for so long about this person coming into life. it hurts. another thing is I would have actually had a sister one year younger than me in 2007 if not for a ectopic pregnancy, I don't think it's another reason for my depression but it does make me sad to think about.

I don't know where i'm going in life, i've been unschooled since I was 10 so my education is in the dumps, i've learned everything from the internet. I don't have much motivation at all but I have thought about getting a job. i'm on ssi currently for a balance disorder i've had for 5 years now, it's like meniere's disease, i'm on lexapro for it and helps but I still have rough days here and there and I still don't know if I can work or not. and i'm just really scared of working, I don't know what job would fit me and I just feel useless but I do think I want to work to get to socialize for sure. the only way I socialize right now is through games, like vrchat, I try not to play vrchat that much because it's like no knows how to treat people like actual humans in the game, its always negative shit, especially irony poisoned/brainrotted people. I could never be friends with someone like that, but I always try to be nice to people, if someone's being a asshole or saying a slur, I don't have the energy for a fight nor do I have to, I just block them but it wears me down quick which is why I try not to play vrchat too much, theres good and bad, but theres too much bad from my experience but I can't say I don't love the idea of vrchat and the self expression u can have there. it's great I just still wouldn't recommend it or spending too much time on it. you'll meet the worse people there. another game I play is bo2 but it's kinda dead I think idk. I guess I don't have that many multiplayer games i'm into. other than games I've tried socializing by trying to go to the park before, it's just makes me feel more empty having not having someone to go with, i'm gonna try to go to this park click me to see 360 of park and sit on this bench while listening to music on my new earbuds. but like I said about the person I described, that would be true happiness for me. and that concludes my vent, I've tried explaining it well and feel alright, theres a lot more to say about me but if I had to write about my whole life I'd have to write a fuckin' novel, end of vent i'm surprised I could write all this, let alone pick a layout haha. i'm not expecting advice it's just a vent and I love venting anyways heres some cute yuri