Dead in your absence

On the other side of the room,

your voice pierces my bones.

I don’t want to hear it.

I want to tear it out,

devour it,

make it bleed like I bleed.

I hate your hair.

I hate your voice.

I hate your scent.

I hate how your voice chews my heart,

how it rips it, shatters it, leaves it empty.

Dead with pain,

I veil your absence.

I never felt your presence.

I miss something only I imagined.

I hate myself for hearing you laugh with him,

for feeling your gaze seek him,

for wanting to kill him and hold you at the same time.

The one you cried for yesterday…

I wish I could go and replace him,

but I condemned myself for being a woman.

The one who cannot please you,

the one missing what it takes

to ignite your desire.

I try to understand.

I know I am not the one you want.

I know.

And yet your rejection shatters me,

throws me into an abyss where the air burns,

where I want to disappear,

where I want to die

just to stop feeling this fire that consumes me.