Not everything has to have meaning

For awhile now, I’ve been wracking my brain on what to write for a new blog. I wanted something deep, something raw and real.

But nothing comes to mind.

Some ideas pop into my head, like when I’m working, sometimes im hyperaware of what muscles my body are using to keep itself up and what muscles I’m using to lift up these heavy ass sheets, which are making me run, which are flexing my hands and arms. But I think thats just an ADHD boredom thing. Sometimes I get this sour taste in my mouth, something sticky and thick telling me ive become stupid or too naive. A sign ive been watching too much trash tv or scrolling on reels for too long. That i should pick up a classic written by a racist old man who is probably writing about something all girls come to understand by the age of ten.

It irks me, the idea that i may be ‘stupid.’ I know it comes from some weird old thinking that I have to be smart to be anything or anyone, but my ‘smartness’ is all ive ever had. Im not all that attractive, not skinny in the slim way, my chest nor backside are not sizable for greater society to deem me worthy of being called a ‘butterface,’ and I’m not white enough for any one of those things about me to be corrected and said “I'm perfect the way i am”. Im also not ‘brown’ enough for others in my culture to respect me, my father never taught me spanish, and my knowledge of my culture just blank enough for me to be an outsider. I’ve also never been that great at sports, so all i have left is my smartness. (Also that im decently good at videogames)

It also doesn't help that the job that i have, where its more physically demanding than mentally. It a shit job really, im being paid below minimum wage, and most of my coworkers have not been given the opportunities i have been given educationally, and while thats not a bad thing, i just feel like im walking around with an air of confidence waving off their contempt. Im bored and frustrated with the work theyve been doing for years, work im extremely unsatisfied with, whereas its the only work they can get. It makes me feel extremely spoiled, but at the same time its extremely frustrating being stuck in poor conditions, because its so easy for me for me to see such injustice knowing theres more. But for them, there might not be. And with how shit the job market is, it kinda is my only option as well. 

Anyways, alls to say, ive been feeling..subpar. Ive been doing a lot of work in therapy, but theres still that underlying unrest, that unease that hasnt settled in my gut despite getting out of my situation. 

Maybe its just the fact that its a down week for me (all you adhders know what im talkin about,) but i needed to write something to feel ‘smart’ again. Maybe its the fact that i havent been creative in awhile, too tired or too upset to do anything of substance. But then this thought hit me the other day. I dont have to make the next Starry Night, or the next vampire Diaries (i have a love/hate relationship with subpar cliche early 2000’s shows that toe the line of being food for pedophiles (pretty little liars im looking at you)) for the things that i do to be worth anything. And i know thats something i already shared, its also the reason for my new fanfic ive been writing, but for whatever the reason, the idea wont stick and stay. Maybe its because of how self-critical i am, how little time there is in our lives, how rush and go we are, or maybe its because of how much content is out there on the internet. For any of these reasons, i still feel the need to create the next social media masterpiece, the new cross-platform hit.

Anyways, im done typing, im gonna go try to draw in the madoka magica style. (again, for whatever reason im addicted to them, i love analyzing all the problematic pieces of a work and how i would fix them.)

Peace. <3